If another Canadian says to me 'This is Canada'. I a guh shoot dem. straight. mi nah tek back no chat.
Mi undastand say unnu have big land mass weh unnu a try populate and all these things but don't judge me by my country's size. wi likkle but we tallawah.
Like when yuh a guh mek mi know say "we don't leave dishes in the sink because this is Canada and in Canada you can get roaches." Really though??? Really??? Come a Jamaica mek I show you roach since apparently in Canada roach is an exotic specie. More importantly wah yuh think di plate a guh siddung deh til next week. Mi sure mi nuh gi yuh no reason fi think me nasty. Mi come from Jamaica we love scorn nasty people yuh hear.
Better yet mek mi show yuh scorpion and stray dog weh murderous ina yuh back yaad.
And when we have a conversation and yuh come a tell mi say "well in Canada people are looking for work and its not easy. yuh know This is Canada things are hard here." I understand the sentiment and I get it nuh easy. Really what separates your poverty from my poverty is the architecture but yuh did need fi drop the "this is Canada". How about "this is life".
And as for the ones who want to ask questions about how I am adjusting try asking "How do you like it here?" instead of "This is Canada it must be a complete difference from being Jamaica many more opportunities." Why yes. There are many differences. I have a question why Toronto don't free up di liquor? Oh that's not what you were talking about. Oh you were talking about is this my own 'jungle book'. You Tarzan. Me Jane kinda thing. No I didnt swing from a vine and sneak unto a banana boat to get here. But I will also blame that on the Jamaicans who think say as the plane land dem a guh and apparently the donkey cart will be our major mode of transportation. Who are shocked that the land of their birth has actually evolved. It nuh perfect but it nuh primitive.
And another note to the 'This is Canada' revolution that dispute that you are having with that line. That asshole moment you trying to create. Its really between yourself and the US of A. That chip on your shoulder was not put there by me or my vine-swinging, tree living people. So let's trade in the 'This is Canada' for something a little nicer.
Well This is Jamaica where if you step pon mi toe yuh might lose yuh foot.
Because the next person who says 'This is Canada' to me. I will proudly be shipped home for 'decking your dumb ass'.
Friday, April 15, 2011
A writer's lament
What does it mean to be a writer? In coming to terms with my passion for words and making the decision that this will be my career path I have asked myself this question on numerous occasions. The answer is rarely, if ever, something beautiful. The experiences I have had professionally skews the answer towards 'rough'. And it's not as simple the 'life of the starving artist'. Working through my passion has taught me that artists don't need to starve. Funnily enough writers are the 'soup kitchen' tenants of the artistry world, we define starving artist. As a world we don't seem to value creative property as we should. After all what is a book but black words on white paper as compared to a canvas which is often so many colours or modern day graphics which uses so much technology to create worlds within worlds. It could take one weeks, months, years to paint the perfect 'Monet-inspired piece' or to create the next great cartoon but how long does it take someone to write the next New York Times Best selling novel? It could take weeks, months or years. So the question is why is the writer always fighting so much harder to prove his or her worth. It could be because people don't like to read. Yet, I refuse to accept its that simple. Why? When someone approaches you to put their idea or any idea on paper and they expect that it should cost nothing or very little because its just pieces of paper with black letters on them. No it isn't. Its hours of thought, of research, of writing, of editing and writing again. Its moments of writer's block. Every creative process involves so much and when it comes from your brain and your heart it involves so much more. Any artist from any artistic field will tell you that. It is just as multi-layered as building a house and if its not done right it will fall apart. But what makes being the underpaid, under-respected writer even more frustration is writing that commercial that is playing REPEATEDLY on your television screen and remembering that you bargained from JA$10,000 to JA$2,000 because of the 'small budget'. Its not the small budget. Its your lack of respect for creative property, for the writer's process. Most everything begins with a script- its written down by someone somewhere but somehow writing is viewed as easy come easy go and treated like its worth even less. And its BULLSHIT. Writers are slaving away at typewriters and computers long before the designer is brought in or the director sometimes before the cameraman even knows there is a script but hey thanks for your commitment now take your chicken shit pay and leave.
I'm fed up with "Can I get a movie script in a month?" Sure you can but for me to work around the clock for a month I am going to need to be paid for that time WHILE I am doing the work. What happens if you don't want the script? What happens to WORK I did for you? There is electricity for the computer, there is sustenance to keep me going while writing. I don't shit these things out. I use my brain cells. I write, weep, write, scream, write, drink, write and write and write. My printer it uses ink and paper and electricity. Pens run out of ink as well and sometimes all the thinking gives you migraines. You're going to hire me then pay and don't tell me shit about providing images- that's a photographer's job, another artistic profession and I not 'tiefing' no food off no man's plate. What's my profession? I'm a writer. My tools are passion, brain cells, time, effort, thought, printer, paper, ink, computer, mass storage device, google, the library, TV, radio, magazines, books,life, conversation, people, images, wind, sun, air, light, food, money, gas, transportation, phone, patience, emotion and oh yea...words.
I'm fed up with "Can I get a movie script in a month?" Sure you can but for me to work around the clock for a month I am going to need to be paid for that time WHILE I am doing the work. What happens if you don't want the script? What happens to WORK I did for you? There is electricity for the computer, there is sustenance to keep me going while writing. I don't shit these things out. I use my brain cells. I write, weep, write, scream, write, drink, write and write and write. My printer it uses ink and paper and electricity. Pens run out of ink as well and sometimes all the thinking gives you migraines. You're going to hire me then pay and don't tell me shit about providing images- that's a photographer's job, another artistic profession and I not 'tiefing' no food off no man's plate. What's my profession? I'm a writer. My tools are passion, brain cells, time, effort, thought, printer, paper, ink, computer, mass storage device, google, the library, TV, radio, magazines, books,life, conversation, people, images, wind, sun, air, light, food, money, gas, transportation, phone, patience, emotion and oh yea...words.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A mussi me name Hawkeye
Let me start by saying I can understand the panic that comes over a person when their car has been stolen. Its really the heights of violating another human being but what about my rights.
Yes, I am speaking to you. The one sending the BBMs about whoffa car get tief, wha colour it be, all di tings that inside there and how much di owna miss it.
How kind of you to care soooooooooo much?
Now let's step back and think about the part you didn't before you did type di first letter much less press send
When I get the message that says 1952 Aston Martin, white with a dent on the back is missing weh mi mus do?
Worse when it come een Wednesday night at 1am (I am assuming here that most people are in bed at this time.)
But say I do see said car at the stoplight in Liguanea.
Do I jump like an ape going "o o o o o o it's the car, it's the car."
Do I call the police or do I send out a BBM in return?
BBM- "Stolen car seen at the stoplight in Liguanea, the thief is kinda cute still, nice jawline...oh wait, its driving off in the direction of Mona, since Matilda's Corner police station is right there should I tell them?"
*taps fingers*
We now wait for the Macgyvers and Magnum P.Is on my Blackberry to tell me how to move forward in this situation.
I understand the panic I really do.
Yuh waan di car and yuh a try a ting but it seems to be an over-dependence on the BBM that has resulted in this act.
and if yuh don't trust di police isn't this a job for Hawkeye or Guardsman?
And I feel that the messages should be dated
I find we get messages saying the Aston Martin was stolen today 3 days later.
Please BBM responsibly!
Yes, I am speaking to you. The one sending the BBMs about whoffa car get tief, wha colour it be, all di tings that inside there and how much di owna miss it.
How kind of you to care soooooooooo much?
Now let's step back and think about the part you didn't before you did type di first letter much less press send
When I get the message that says 1952 Aston Martin, white with a dent on the back is missing weh mi mus do?
Worse when it come een Wednesday night at 1am (I am assuming here that most people are in bed at this time.)
But say I do see said car at the stoplight in Liguanea.
Do I jump like an ape going "o o o o o o it's the car, it's the car."
Do I call the police or do I send out a BBM in return?
BBM- "Stolen car seen at the stoplight in Liguanea, the thief is kinda cute still, nice jawline...oh wait, its driving off in the direction of Mona, since Matilda's Corner police station is right there should I tell them?"
*taps fingers*
We now wait for the Macgyvers and Magnum P.Is on my Blackberry to tell me how to move forward in this situation.
I understand the panic I really do.
Yuh waan di car and yuh a try a ting but it seems to be an over-dependence on the BBM that has resulted in this act.
and if yuh don't trust di police isn't this a job for Hawkeye or Guardsman?
And I feel that the messages should be dated
I find we get messages saying the Aston Martin was stolen today 3 days later.
Please BBM responsibly!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Paddy's Day a weh yuh really feel like
Hey you St. Patrick
No not there...stop looking at the white man with the fake irish accent...over hear at the black girl speaking Jamaican.
A weh yuh really feel like? A weh yuh a try?
So its my first St. Paddy's Day in a foreign land and being that I am in the multi-cultural capital of the world one would expect this to be an even more magical experience.They say the Irish and Jamaicans make the best of friends because we both drink like fishes but I declare that no Irish man in a pub with Rover or Mc something in the name will destroy St. Paddy's day like the people I love.
Bars, Pubs, Supermarkets, Gas Stations and Shops(real Jamaican shop) are stocking up triple fold not because of this auspicious occasion but because of dem...my fren dem..owners are telling bartenders to put fi dem ting aside them a count di beer bokkle dem, the white rum bokkle dem, di appleton bokkle dem cause dem a come and not a drop will be spared.
Mr St. Patrick I would like to thank you for being the excuse on this occasion to get drunk and take no prisoners. You're a good man. a god really.
But one of us is like a 1000 drinkers so some ppl mighta vex wid yuh
but we love
go forth and conquer my friends. I will do my part from here
No not there...stop looking at the white man with the fake irish accent...over hear at the black girl speaking Jamaican.
A weh yuh really feel like? A weh yuh a try?
So its my first St. Paddy's Day in a foreign land and being that I am in the multi-cultural capital of the world one would expect this to be an even more magical experience.They say the Irish and Jamaicans make the best of friends because we both drink like fishes but I declare that no Irish man in a pub with Rover or Mc something in the name will destroy St. Paddy's day like the people I love.
Bars, Pubs, Supermarkets, Gas Stations and Shops(real Jamaican shop) are stocking up triple fold not because of this auspicious occasion but because of dem...my fren dem..owners are telling bartenders to put fi dem ting aside them a count di beer bokkle dem, the white rum bokkle dem, di appleton bokkle dem cause dem a come and not a drop will be spared.
Mr St. Patrick I would like to thank you for being the excuse on this occasion to get drunk and take no prisoners. You're a good man. a god really.
But one of us is like a 1000 drinkers so some ppl mighta vex wid yuh
but we love
go forth and conquer my friends. I will do my part from here
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Howling at the moon...but I'm a vampire
I'm not the most sound sleeper on the planet and at the moment I have no curtains.
Anyways I sleep in spurts of roughly half an hour each so I am always slightly awake.
Last night I had one of my rollover awake moments and opened my eyes to witness the boldest moon I have seen in years.
It wasn't full- but it was almost full and round and bright and the blue of the sky around it. This moon was special.
So special I felt the urge to howl. And I am not joking like my mouth started to form the howl lips that you see in the movies. I got up and walked to the window to get a closer and better look at the moon.
Teneile what are you doing?
And as I took the suddenly very slow walk back to my bed frequently looking back at the moon the howl was rising up inside me.
In trying to go back to sleep but I feel the moon call me
I had to form a cocoon and clear my brain to forget about the moon and hold back the howl.
Does this mean werewolves are real and I'm not really a vampire because it would really suck to know I'm living a lie.
Anyways I sleep in spurts of roughly half an hour each so I am always slightly awake.
Last night I had one of my rollover awake moments and opened my eyes to witness the boldest moon I have seen in years.
It wasn't full- but it was almost full and round and bright and the blue of the sky around it. This moon was special.
So special I felt the urge to howl. And I am not joking like my mouth started to form the howl lips that you see in the movies. I got up and walked to the window to get a closer and better look at the moon.
Teneile what are you doing?
And as I took the suddenly very slow walk back to my bed frequently looking back at the moon the howl was rising up inside me.
In trying to go back to sleep but I feel the moon call me
I had to form a cocoon and clear my brain to forget about the moon and hold back the howl.
Does this mean werewolves are real and I'm not really a vampire because it would really suck to know I'm living a lie.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The misconception that is mind-blowing sex
Mind blowing sex...does not a relationship make. Its a painful reality but its true. We wish it did but it doesn't. Sometimes in life we find ourselves at the end of the first encounter in the darkest crevices of he or she whose last name we haven't imprinted in our memory banks yet.
We thrash about... we sweat... we do it. And of course amidst the post sex panting you have decided you just had the best sex ever.
Harsh reality- sex is not hard to have because of this good sex easily becomes muddled with love and emotion. I've been in the relationship where if not for the sex we might as well have been strangers. Which brings me to another harsh reality...
There are people in this world who will find your G-spot...your special zone or mark or place that makes fireworks go off and mi nuh mean Katy Perry Fireworks mi mean "neighbours know yuh name' and how fi spell it fireworks. Why? Sex is a technical act...some master the technique and most g-spots and pleasure zones are in the same general vicinity...buck ups is a ten.
If the primary reason you find yourself in that person's presence a second time is for the sex..chances are it won't end well...more importantly it is not a relationship.
If you're confusing mind-blowing sex with love...it means you may have a conflicting definition of love.
Here is when I think mind-blowing sex should be muddled with love...
Its the kind of sex you have where in the middle of it and you happen to be listening to a CD..the other person stops and "pull up" di song and you don't skip a beat. It doesn't phase you or stop you or offend you. It makes you want more.
Its the kind of sex when you're scared to mess up and without saying it...they realise and even if you do say it...they don't care.
Its the sex you're willing to turn down sex for. And if you don't turn down that secondary sex. its the dissatisfaction you feel when it wasn't what you expected.
Its the bad sex with the right person because you know that neither of you are actually bad at sex you're just having an off day and that's okay. Having that thought about sex is mind-blowing.
Doing things to please your partner that you spoke ill of in public will blow your mind.
If you're not having these experiences or an experience that can be equated to any of these you are not having mind blowing sex...what you are doing is called a fun way to burn lots of calories...which isn't a bad thing but please don't call it love it makes you look stupid
We thrash about... we sweat... we do it. And of course amidst the post sex panting you have decided you just had the best sex ever.
Harsh reality- sex is not hard to have because of this good sex easily becomes muddled with love and emotion. I've been in the relationship where if not for the sex we might as well have been strangers. Which brings me to another harsh reality...
There are people in this world who will find your G-spot...your special zone or mark or place that makes fireworks go off and mi nuh mean Katy Perry Fireworks mi mean "neighbours know yuh name' and how fi spell it fireworks. Why? Sex is a technical act...some master the technique and most g-spots and pleasure zones are in the same general vicinity...buck ups is a ten.
If the primary reason you find yourself in that person's presence a second time is for the sex..chances are it won't end well...more importantly it is not a relationship.
If you're confusing mind-blowing sex with love...it means you may have a conflicting definition of love.
Here is when I think mind-blowing sex should be muddled with love...
Its the kind of sex you have where in the middle of it and you happen to be listening to a CD..the other person stops and "pull up" di song and you don't skip a beat. It doesn't phase you or stop you or offend you. It makes you want more.
Its the kind of sex when you're scared to mess up and without saying it...they realise and even if you do say it...they don't care.
Its the sex you're willing to turn down sex for. And if you don't turn down that secondary sex. its the dissatisfaction you feel when it wasn't what you expected.
Its the bad sex with the right person because you know that neither of you are actually bad at sex you're just having an off day and that's okay. Having that thought about sex is mind-blowing.
Doing things to please your partner that you spoke ill of in public will blow your mind.
If you're not having these experiences or an experience that can be equated to any of these you are not having mind blowing sex...what you are doing is called a fun way to burn lots of calories...which isn't a bad thing but please don't call it love it makes you look stupid
Ping Responsibly(N.B to blackberry buffoons)
I'm not even mincing words...
(1) if you haven't seen me naked DON'T ping me before 8am
(2) if you have not contributed to my financial well being DON'T ping me before 8am.
(3) if I didn't take the time out of my life to give you a nickname DON'T ping me before 8am.
(4) if without a blackberry we would otherwise not communicate DON'T ping me before 8am.
(5) if you are a blood relative and the family is NOT under siege DON'T ping me before 8am
(6) if I have never had the audacity to ping YOU before 8am DON'T fool yourself and think you can do it to me.
Really the point I am trying to make is I don't care if you are up at 6am to beat the traffic to work turn on the radio..the hire people to cope with those things. they get paid to be your company at 8am.
And don't send me a broadcast message before 8am. i WILL delete you and then your feelings will be hurt and we don't need all that emotion.
Use the bb wisely, its not less annoying than the phone ringing yuh nuh. Its more annoying because in real emergencies people CALL. so when you hear that ping you know is fuckery. And you are forced to ask yourself "why is this person on my bb?" and then you look even closer at the name and the message and go "what false sense of comfort has this person lulled into why they think they can get away with a 6am ping?"
Oh and if I reach the point of deleting you it probably means I will reach the point of ignoring all future requests as well. the DELETE will be final.
And if you read this blog and go but wait I pinged her before 8am...yes YOU gave birth to this blog.
Actually I'm thinking to start the petition for the blackberry license but that's a whole other blog. til then
Ping responsibly
(1) if you haven't seen me naked DON'T ping me before 8am
(2) if you have not contributed to my financial well being DON'T ping me before 8am.
(3) if I didn't take the time out of my life to give you a nickname DON'T ping me before 8am.
(4) if without a blackberry we would otherwise not communicate DON'T ping me before 8am.
(5) if you are a blood relative and the family is NOT under siege DON'T ping me before 8am
(6) if I have never had the audacity to ping YOU before 8am DON'T fool yourself and think you can do it to me.
Really the point I am trying to make is I don't care if you are up at 6am to beat the traffic to work turn on the radio..the hire people to cope with those things. they get paid to be your company at 8am.
And don't send me a broadcast message before 8am. i WILL delete you and then your feelings will be hurt and we don't need all that emotion.
Use the bb wisely, its not less annoying than the phone ringing yuh nuh. Its more annoying because in real emergencies people CALL. so when you hear that ping you know is fuckery. And you are forced to ask yourself "why is this person on my bb?" and then you look even closer at the name and the message and go "what false sense of comfort has this person lulled into why they think they can get away with a 6am ping?"
Oh and if I reach the point of deleting you it probably means I will reach the point of ignoring all future requests as well. the DELETE will be final.
And if you read this blog and go but wait I pinged her before 8am...yes YOU gave birth to this blog.
Actually I'm thinking to start the petition for the blackberry license but that's a whole other blog. til then
Ping responsibly
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