Friday, March 12, 2010

"I told you she didnt have a dick"

This blog is for the Haus and Gaga. Stefani Germanotta if you ask mi woulda have yuh baby dem yuh nuh? That overly dramatised and disturbing statement is simply to establish from the outset the extent of my love for Gaga.
I have been waiting impatiently for the premiere of the Telephone video. My breath was baited and bones stiffened with osteoporosis. After all Gaga did say that the video would knock Bad Romance out of the water. So of course mi did excited.
However, the video blows Gaga- like a big mouth ooman on trying to deep throat a two inch dick. Now for more detailed observations

1) The Haus of Gaga suceeded as they always do with costuming and attention to detail. How them find them half-horse, half-human woman deh I have no idea. The blue telephone headgear in the kitchen scene is awesome. Also Gaga sister makes a wicked cameo making you wonder if its her. Cute. The pussy wagon fun concept. Gaga's hair colour- I loved as well. The cigarette glasses I loved those- I kept wondering how many cigarettes were killed in the making of this scene.

2)Film quality- I loved the editing of the video, the colour and that good film geek stuff.

3) about Lady Gaga and Jonas Akerlund writing this foolishness. Unnu too damn lie. The entire video was an ode to Quentin Tarantino. Hello- Kill Bill was up and through that video. The Pussy Wagon is from Kill Bill. I suppose you can take credit for the horrible dialogue between Gaga and Beyonce but that's really about it. It was a bunch of bad odes and parodies. I did also see a small ode to Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in bound- the hairstyles they had, the black leather jacket.Okay,maybe I am over-reaching with Bound. Also there seems to be some Natural Born Killers in there as well- mass killing spree and the reporter.

4)As for Beyonce she...first Lady Gaga out did her in her own video and that little wench name Gaga set up the girl to be outdone again and outdone she was. Lady Gaga mek Beyonce look like one @#%$ out mattress.

5)Tyrese's character could have been played by any other random black yute but I suppose music videos are the excuse Beyonce uses to get close to other men.

6)In general dramatisation before and after is fine but in the middle of the video with a song that sounds best in its entirety. So please to release the short version and soon.

7)The reporter in the video looks like Ricky from Noah's Ark but I could also be over-reaching on this one

A very huge point seemed to be missed in creating the treatment for this video. The song sets up an entire scenario maybe Gaga should have listened to the song. Just a small observation.

I did however figure out why she never answer the phone. She didn't want to tell him that she was a lesbian. The video doesn't have mass appeal but dear God it have lesbian appeal and freak appeal as well cause some of those lesbians have definitely transitioned.

With all that said and based on what I just watched 15 times in order to not miss a beat here is what the video should have been.

A club that looks like a prison. yes. A cross between a prison and a Les-Tranny Bar. If my boyfriend was calling and I was in a place like that I most certainly would not be answering the phone. Incidentally, all Beyonce and Gaga needed was a sex scene to complete what was happening between them.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What does my Jamaica smell like?

So I've been working on answering the question
What does my Jamaica smell like?
An odd question I know but frankly so is 'What does being Jamaican mean to you?'
And my answer to that does not include, athletic glory or how great ackee and saltfish tastes.
But back to my question...I am always observing the countryside as I drive through it
This time I noticed that Kingston smells different from St. Catherine from St. Ann from Trelawny and so on.
Mark you this could just be as a result of Trelawny and St. Ann having better garbage disposal methods than Kingston and st. Catherine, in which case my musings might be marred with flaws.
But I asked myself and my friends that question and I have gotten both crazy and poetic answers.
For me on this day as well as a few others in the past 25 years of my life- my Jamaica smells like Trinidad.

And yes it is soca season so that's not it; because I my friend is a soca junkie of no mean order who practically gets hives in December because it means the soca season is drawing near and when it arrives I am zombie in worship til its over.

In this world of recession where frugal is a way of being and I work a minimum of 3 projects a month to afford my life I cannot buy Jamaican.
Its cheaper to buy Trinidadian.
And let's face it the supermarket shelves only need shadowbenny, shark and iguana to complete the transition.
Its Trinidad all over this bitch.
And it is a little unsettling with this damn Buy Jamaican Campaign everywhere...a campaign which makes no effort to make buying Jamaican affordable but maybe that's the underlying point.

And I guess since I all I can hear on my radio is Air Jamaica this and that Air Jamaica is going to be owned by the Trinis I'm just noticing how much we really are becoming "the land of things owned in Trinidad".
And I am one of those who think Air Jamaica should be sold but then I predicted the demise from them damn champagne flights; while every other airline was cutting food expenses we were serving complimentary champagne.
But this is the same country where a boy will buy an integra and live on cup soup cause he got swagger like that so why should I be surprised that a few bottles of champagne sank the national bird.

As for Dudus him, well that has me in many places. It proves how much the Jamaican people worship America and are willing to sell out being Jamaican for a green card that you have to sell your soul for. It also highlights how little respect America has for other countries.

But again, I am a Jamaican who believed that we should have sent a plane for Al Faisal simply because he is a Jamaican and if he is to be treated like a criminal we should do it cause that's his Jamaican right.

I'm sure if Bruce stood up to France we would be like "France gweh and lef Dudus alone".

I think we should extradite Dudus to Trinidad. By 2012 we just might have a Trini accent so since we are becoming so Trini, let's give them something truly Jamaican- a don man, with political connections that can hold the country at ransom and has an entire section of the country at his finger tips.

Yes, let's do that. He brought an end to Gully-Gaza violence and continues to keep the peace in downtown as a result of his ominous reputation. The legacy he inherited from Daddy.
He could end kidnapping in Trinidad and the feud between Kevin Lyttle and Machel Montano. Its the least we could do.