Sunday, May 15, 2011

back at the beginning of the love story...

Bored with mediocre cable I found myself encapsulated by the riveting film-making that was Grease 2. Almost upon arrival Michael zeros in on Stephanie and decides that's my girl. He makes and move, she shoots him down but not without dropping a hint. "I need a cooooollll rider." Thus begins the journey of Michael becoming the man Stephanie WANTS. And so it goes from 'Sixteen Candles' to 'Ten Things I hate about You'. Love is sold to us as sacrifice, change and compromise. Even when we take the love out of high school and into 'Sweet Home Alabama' or 'Love Jones' its the same story. Its not a series of perfect dates. Its a moment. Love is seemingly some moment that you either pay attention to or ignore. Whether you follow the moment or ignore it- you're haunted.

It follows you. It judges you. It lingers on your shoulder within each moment of the impending love story. You break up with someone and in the postmortem you're bound to say "well we didn't have an instant connection so.." or "i felt it, the moment we met. i don't know what changed." The middle of the love story or the end of the story always has us revisiting the beginning. Actually the middle or end of any love story has us revisiting the beginning of every love story. It's the search for the Why? What's my type? Why is this perfect or not perfect? What makes this love and that a fling? Someone told me once that each person is allotted five great loves and your soul mate may never be your lover. Of course it made no sense to me. That's not what the movies say neither the romance novels nor that voice in your head.

So you're back at the beginning of the love story. Are we star-crossed lovers? We must be. We had this moment in the past and left it there. So why are we having it again? Today? In a public place at that. Even worse. If you have this moment with more than one person does that make you a whore or someone living with a series of incomplete love stories? Why do we always find ourselves back at the beginning of the love story?

For me it could be because I have never dated. I have never had that moment where someone sees you and wants to get to know you and asks you out and you say yes and prepare for a potentially awkward meal of avoiding the garlic. I don't try things. In the game of love I don't play. I don't take chances. I have no impulses. In the game of love. I have fallen and risen all without any reciprocation from the other person. I suppose we return to the beginning of the love story in search of ourselves. Love takes of us and what it takes we will never get back.

This is what I kept thinking as Michael the British Nerd became Michael the cool rider simply to be noticed. Its also the question I asked myself as Patrick Dempsey fell apart in 'Can't buy me Love'. Of course I also wondered if other people were having this intellectual experience while watching these rather basic and Utopian love stories.

And then like a lightning bolt it hit me. I am Michael. I am that grand romantic gesture. I play Russian Roulette with my heart. I am my Achilles heel. While existing in the middle of the love story my mind is always regressing to the beginning, to the moment because I'm certain in that moment I immediately gave up something to get you to look back at me. Maybe I should have watched that movie with a glass of rum and ting and then this blog post would have gone in an entirely different direction.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Dancehall Music: Shooting itself in the FOOT!

Dancehall Music: Shooting itself in the FOOT!
Yes I said it and I won’t be taking it back. Like other Jamaicans I have listened to the jeering and mockery made of Keith “Shebada” Ramsay as speculation of his sexuality looms. I have pointed my gun finger to songs by artistes like Elephant Man, Assassin, and Vybz Kartel using ‘Shebada’ as the symbol of a ‘battyman’. I am 27 years old but I have worked in entertainment for more than five years and without fear I state that dancehall music is advancing the gay movement.
Dancehall Artistes have taken a clear and affirmed stance on homosexuality. So vocal has the industry been of its dislike of homophobia that I posit that it is the music that is the primary contributor to Jamaica being labelled the most homophobic place in the world. We witnessed Shabba Ranks catapult from the top to the bottom with a single opinion. Buju Banton’s career though reflective of maturity seems to be forever overshadowed by the lyrics of Boom Bye Bye. Elephant Man, Beenie Man, Capleton, Sizzla and so many more have all been dropped from concerts for their violent and homophobic songs. Dancehall would argue that with groups like OUTrage and the Stop Murder Music Campaign it wouldn’t be such a big deal but I beg to differ. This is suggestive of a larger societal problem- the trivialising of violence but that is for another article.
In spite of it all the one question we can’t seem to answer is from whence did this lyrical obsession come? I theorise that homophobic lyrics are simply a natural progression from the violent lyrics that have been a dancehall music staple. There is a violent dancehall song for every societal wrong- aggression seems to live in the heart of the music. Take for example, the way these repeatedly self-proclaimed heterosexual men speak about women- violently. Sadly, dancehall music and the artistes that produce it are a reflection of the wider society. However, if the sale of cake soap has proven anything, it’s that dancehall music possesses great influence.
“The militant anti-homosexual attitude of Jamaicans, men and women alike, is startling. Few subjects arouse such strong emotions here and polls have shown a strong majority in favour of jailing homosexuals,” leading to a situation where, “no stage show goes by without at least one ringing condemnation which inevitably draws a huge chorus of approval from the crowd.” (Chang & Chen, 204) Barrow & Dalton attempt to explain, although not justify, this bigotry. “Some psychologists, accurately or not, attribute this to a lack of real male self-confidence in a society where 85 per cent of children are born out of wedlock, and the vast majority of boys lack full-time male roll model while growing up.”
- ‘Reggae routes: The story of Jamaican music’, written by Kevin O’Brien Chang and Wayne Chen. Temple University Press: Philadelphia, 1998.

Do I agree with the above statement? Yes. Does it apply in 2011? Yes. But I add this, in seeking to affirm his heterosexuality the dancehall artistes has embraced ‘homosexual stereotypes’ with the hope of undermining the movement. This action will inevitably aid homosexuals in ultimately attaining their just reward- basic human rights.

Let us begin with the supreme symbol of homosexuals receiving rights in Jamaica- Adidjah ‘Vybz Kartel’ Palmer. I would go one step further and say the Gaza is making it easier to be gay in Jamaica. Dancehall’s current ‘hero’ has released a statement addressing his hair extensions much in the same way he released on addressing his skin lightening. Kartel as always is baffled by the uproar after all he had extensions at Sting as he flew fist first into the face of Ninja Man and claim that TOK and I-Octane have also worn extensions. I join Kartel’s name calling and present my own example- Harry Toddler. We all know that blonde mane is not his. And let’s not forget Beenie Man’s curls from the early days. Yet, dancehall artistes continue to wear these “homosexual” styles with their only defence being “bad man nuh dress like girl”. Yes they do. Dancehall music has become increasingly homophobic while the dancehall space and its artistes have become increasingly feminine. To what else do we owe songs such as “Too Much Bull” by Macka Diamond and other female artistes or “Couple Up” by Elephant Man. “Too Many Men” by Busy Signal focuses on the massive male entourage but it’s a testament to the feminising of the space. Think back? How often did you see a car full of men before the turn of the century? Or ten men walking into a party that made no attempt to get a girl? Exit Ouch Crew and enter Ravers Clavers. This musical space founded on violence, rebellion and misogyny is shooting itself in the foot. Dancehall music is a slap in the face of men and women who struggle to live their lives as humans.

Elephant Man with his penchant for hair dye, extensions, costuming and pageantry is dancehall music’s Elton John. Both artistes flamboyance are legendary. It seems to me that that dancehall’s over-emphasis is fuelling the fight, energising the charge, giving the movement greater purpose and support. And the industry is scared. I-Octane has released 3 songs in less than six months lauding homophobia. The ‘rules and laws riddim’ released in April is dedicated to the advancement of homophobia, Assassin’s song the ‘Type R riddim’ is also rooted in homophobia. Dancehall is dancing around itself as homophobia struggles and acceptance saves itself from drowning. Female artistes are spitting lyrics like some of the greatest rappers of all time while their male counterparts are ‘tracing’ like vendors in coronation market. Jamaican women are wielding their gay best friends like treats and treasures through Kingston’s streets. The more you attempt to prove that pink is a manly colour is the more blurred the line that separates heterosexuality and homosexuality becomes. Popcaan’s song ‘Tight Jeans’ on the Type R riddim is in defence of his tight jeans. For an industry that’s trying to detract gay attention they are calling a lot of attention to their masculine parts.
Dancehall music is a witch’s brew of hypocrisy. It says one thing and does another, creates stereotypes and then represents them. Thus can you honestly be shocked by the new found confidence of the homosexual on Jamaica’s streets? Can you be shocked at last year’s march in Montego Bay? More importantly can you truly find a justifiable reason for your homosexual hatred with all that has happened? Is it truly necessary? As dancehall artistes lose concert dates, salary, radio airplay, CD sales and continue to be labelled some of the most violent people in the world- is the price truly worth it?
They say when you tell a child not to do something that’s the moment they choose to do it. So is it safe to say, the more you tell a man not to be himself the more likely he is to embrace who he truly is? The graduation from ‘Boom Bye Bye’ to ‘marrow on smouldering asphalt’ only seems to be deflating the movement. Anti-homosexual songs aren’t number one anymore just another moment on the riddim. Where do we go from here dancehall? What’s the plan? Dancehall will never permeate the world as it predecessor reggae has for one reason. Reggae was founded on love while dancehall is angry and in pain. Interesting… Homosexuals are angry and in pain. Dancehall music in 2011 finds itself still struggling to be accepted as just another form of music. Homosexuals in 2011 find themselves still struggling to be accepted as just another form of human. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we’re at a stalemate.

Cowfoot Macka? Mercy said no...

Dancehall has reached its lyrical plateau. The artistes have clearly peaked and we the fans are paying a heavy price. Its the vivid images that dancehall can paint in your mind with a jackhammer and the eye of a needle that makes this art form brilliant. *Southern Baptist Preacher’s Voice* But when we reach a place in the music when we can conceive of comparing the BEST of a man to a cowfoot there is something seriously wrong with the way our minds work.
I understand that length, girth, height, width, breadth and the size of a man are national treasures and we live to encounter the “anaconda weh longa” but nuttin nuh wrong if yuh guh to yuh fren and cal it di same ting weh she call it. Maybe this is the real problem. We all want our man penis to feel unique and special so David have di anaconda and Richard have the python and Toni own is like a leopard- agile and graceful. But we have to tek time wid these things. Has Macka really stopped to tek a good look on a cowfoot? Has she considered the ramifications of a man walking up to some poor unsuspecting lass and saying “baby, a me have di cowfoot we yuh need yuh nuh”? And what she muss respond wid? “A me have di broad bean wid di gravy”?

And please note that she took the time to differentiate between chicken foot, goat foot and her beloved cow foot. This song did not stop to consider the large section of the population that has no interest in cowfoot pon dem dinner table much less inna dem bed. And as was pointed out ‘cow foot walk inna dodo’ and she uses this to compliment the BEST part of a man. And don’t worry people there is a dance and an event because this a phenomenon, a multi-tiered business plan, the next wave in musical enjoyment. We are bringing the awesomeness of the cow foot to the fore. This is music in the key of foolywang.
Yuh know what dancehall needs? A voice of reason. Someone with human or extra-terrestrial it really does not matter at this point to vet these songs before sending them out into the public domain. The people demanding it now because this is beyond ridiculous.

Friday, April 29, 2011

will the revolution...

As the world (2 billion a unnu is nuff people) gathered today to watch the Royal wedding the rants of "down with the monarchy they cause slavery", "there are more important things to worry like Syria, Libya, Yemen in the world" and "who really cares about these two?, like seriously?" have risen to the surface once again. And with good reason, we are such a dejected world that signs of exaltation are to be mocked and discarded from our lives forthwith. Interestingly enough I find that he majority of the people complaining weren't contributing anything meaningful previous to the manifestation of this wedding so what does that say? At first glance it says unnu jus red eye and badmind. The people dem a have dem big fancy wedding and dem nuh serve no other purpose than fi look good and you wish you coulda do it too. At second glance it says that your social activism is a falsified. Its not genuine, it means nothing, its just as meaningless and pointless as the wedding that you are boycotting.

What revolution are you observing? What chances are you taking? And the monarchy ruined Africa, took us from our homelands. And? We're here now in our individual places. How do you plan to fight today's battles? You think the monarchy a guh turn back di hands of time? Yuh want them to send you all back to Africa and return you to pre-1492? What are you really arguing about and is it really helping you? And so the media ignores the wedding and gives around the clock coverage of Gadaffi and his buffoonery, what then? You will feel better in your conscience knowing that we are highlighting the 'right things'? You can cuss NATO and spit at Gadaffi and tell the people of Libya to die for the cause but what of your revolution. I for one will admit I have buckling knees. I'm not the placard sign, marching through the streets kind of girl. But anyone who has seen a Ruff Draft Production knows I don't shy away from the revolution.

Seriously, while your bitching at Anderson Cooper while lusting after him, WHAT are YOU doing? WHERE are you in the revolution? Are you sitting in your office waiting for this JPS thing to blow over or are you going to do something? We want to sit and watch the revolution in the comfort of our living rooms but the truth is we are in need of our own revolution.

It sounds like a dream but we are dropping like flies for no cause other than anger, ego and misplaced emotions- we might as well die for a purpose. This is not a revolution of the rich needing to give to the poor. So a rich man takes some of his wealth and gives it to a poor man... its a temporary reprieve. The revolution we need is to change our culture of immediacy. We NEED it NOW. The greatest example of this is the short-lived leadership of our first female Prime Minister. I for one never felt the woman was fit for the job but she never stood a fighting chance. As we people we somehow managed to convince herself that Sister P was the light and she would become Prime Minister on Monday and Tuesday all would be fixed simply because she was a woman. Her first 100 days were the most scrutinised. As JPS proves these bad ideas are age-old and weren't born over night. I WISH at least one politician would admit this, take responsibility for something. The PNP finds the JPS agreement 'morally repugnant'. You signed said agreement. It was your mistake.

Which brings me to our second revolution. The revolution of culpability. We want everyone else to be culpable. We want the monarchy to admit, apologise and apparently reverse slavery. We want Gadaffi to step down, to walk away and save the people but we won't do it at home. The rebuilding of Egypt, Tunisia and other countries to come will not be easy and the people have accepted this. We want the change but without the work. And as such we are all culpable. If yuh 'waan good yuh nose haffi run'. We say to ourselves "they voted them in and now them a pay di price". I would ask you. Did you see their options? We all have the answers but we don't want to take the bull by the horns and try. Ras Astor Black may be a little warped in the head but him a try a ting. What are we trying?

I tried something. I got tired and dejected and left. And is it better here? That will never be a yes or no question. The privilege of my uptown-ness has given me a wider perspective of my homeland and now that I live in this 'greener pasture' that my people run to I don't feel free. I am angrier at my people than ever before. We have it, we have something amazing...fucking amazing and we are leaving it to go to shit for pride and hype.

Which leaves me to my next revolutionary request. 'Get the fuck over yourselves'. No one owes you anything. You want it! Get it! WILL THE REVOLUTION!

Friday, April 15, 2011

'This is Canada' And??? *raised eyebrow*

If another Canadian says to me 'This is Canada'. I a guh shoot dem. straight. mi nah tek back no chat.
Mi undastand say unnu have big land mass weh unnu a try populate and all these things but don't judge me by my country's size. wi likkle but we tallawah.
Like when yuh a guh mek mi know say "we don't leave dishes in the sink because this is Canada and in Canada you can get roaches." Really though??? Really??? Come a Jamaica mek I show you roach since apparently in Canada roach is an exotic specie. More importantly wah yuh think di plate a guh siddung deh til next week. Mi sure mi nuh gi yuh no reason fi think me nasty. Mi come from Jamaica we love scorn nasty people yuh hear.

Better yet mek mi show yuh scorpion and stray dog weh murderous ina yuh back yaad.

And when we have a conversation and yuh come a tell mi say "well in Canada people are looking for work and its not easy. yuh know This is Canada things are hard here." I understand the sentiment and I get it nuh easy. Really what separates your poverty from my poverty is the architecture but yuh did need fi drop the "this is Canada". How about "this is life".

And as for the ones who want to ask questions about how I am adjusting try asking "How do you like it here?" instead of "This is Canada it must be a complete difference from being Jamaica many more opportunities." Why yes. There are many differences. I have a question why Toronto don't free up di liquor? Oh that's not what you were talking about. Oh you were talking about is this my own 'jungle book'. You Tarzan. Me Jane kinda thing. No I didnt swing from a vine and sneak unto a banana boat to get here. But I will also blame that on the Jamaicans who think say as the plane land dem a guh and apparently the donkey cart will be our major mode of transportation. Who are shocked that the land of their birth has actually evolved. It nuh perfect but it nuh primitive.
And another note to the 'This is Canada' revolution that dispute that you are having with that line. That asshole moment you trying to create. Its really between yourself and the US of A. That chip on your shoulder was not put there by me or my vine-swinging, tree living people. So let's trade in the 'This is Canada' for something a little nicer.

Well This is Jamaica where if you step pon mi toe yuh might lose yuh foot.
Because the next person who says 'This is Canada' to me. I will proudly be shipped home for 'decking your dumb ass'.

A writer's lament

What does it mean to be a writer? In coming to terms with my passion for words and making the decision that this will be my career path I have asked myself this question on numerous occasions. The answer is rarely, if ever, something beautiful. The experiences I have had professionally skews the answer towards 'rough'. And it's not as simple the 'life of the starving artist'. Working through my passion has taught me that artists don't need to starve. Funnily enough writers are the 'soup kitchen' tenants of the artistry world, we define starving artist. As a world we don't seem to value creative property as we should. After all what is a book but black words on white paper as compared to a canvas which is often so many colours or modern day graphics which uses so much technology to create worlds within worlds. It could take one weeks, months, years to paint the perfect 'Monet-inspired piece' or to create the next great cartoon but how long does it take someone to write the next New York Times Best selling novel? It could take weeks, months or years. So the question is why is the writer always fighting so much harder to prove his or her worth. It could be because people don't like to read. Yet, I refuse to accept its that simple. Why? When someone approaches you to put their idea or any idea on paper and they expect that it should cost nothing or very little because its just pieces of paper with black letters on them. No it isn't. Its hours of thought, of research, of writing, of editing and writing again. Its moments of writer's block. Every creative process involves so much and when it comes from your brain and your heart it involves so much more. Any artist from any artistic field will tell you that. It is just as multi-layered as building a house and if its not done right it will fall apart. But what makes being the underpaid, under-respected writer even more frustration is writing that commercial that is playing REPEATEDLY on your television screen and remembering that you bargained from JA$10,000 to JA$2,000 because of the 'small budget'. Its not the small budget. Its your lack of respect for creative property, for the writer's process. Most everything begins with a script- its written down by someone somewhere but somehow writing is viewed as easy come easy go and treated like its worth even less. And its BULLSHIT. Writers are slaving away at typewriters and computers long before the designer is brought in or the director sometimes before the cameraman even knows there is a script but hey thanks for your commitment now take your chicken shit pay and leave.
I'm fed up with "Can I get a movie script in a month?" Sure you can but for me to work around the clock for a month I am going to need to be paid for that time WHILE I am doing the work. What happens if you don't want the script? What happens to WORK I did for you? There is electricity for the computer, there is sustenance to keep me going while writing. I don't shit these things out. I use my brain cells. I write, weep, write, scream, write, drink, write and write and write. My printer it uses ink and paper and electricity. Pens run out of ink as well and sometimes all the thinking gives you migraines. You're going to hire me then pay and don't tell me shit about providing images- that's a photographer's job, another artistic profession and I not 'tiefing' no food off no man's plate. What's my profession? I'm a writer. My tools are passion, brain cells, time, effort, thought, printer, paper, ink, computer, mass storage device, google, the library, TV, radio, magazines, books,life, conversation, people, images, wind, sun, air, light, food, money, gas, transportation, phone, patience, emotion and oh yea...words.

Friday, April 1, 2011

A mussi me name Hawkeye

Let me start by saying I can understand the panic that comes over a person when their car has been stolen. Its really the heights of violating another human being but what about my rights.
Yes, I am speaking to you. The one sending the BBMs about whoffa car get tief, wha colour it be, all di tings that inside there and how much di owna miss it.
How kind of you to care soooooooooo much?
Now let's step back and think about the part you didn't before you did type di first letter much less press send
When I get the message that says 1952 Aston Martin, white with a dent on the back is missing weh mi mus do?
Worse when it come een Wednesday night at 1am (I am assuming here that most people are in bed at this time.)
But say I do see said car at the stoplight in Liguanea.
Do I jump like an ape going "o o o o o o it's the car, it's the car."
Do I call the police or do I send out a BBM in return?
BBM- "Stolen car seen at the stoplight in Liguanea, the thief is kinda cute still, nice jawline...oh wait, its driving off in the direction of Mona, since Matilda's Corner police station is right there should I tell them?"
*taps fingers*
We now wait for the Macgyvers and Magnum P.Is on my Blackberry to tell me how to move forward in this situation.
I understand the panic I really do.
Yuh waan di car and yuh a try a ting but it seems to be an over-dependence on the BBM that has resulted in this act.
and if yuh don't trust di police isn't this a job for Hawkeye or Guardsman?
And I feel that the messages should be dated
I find we get messages saying the Aston Martin was stolen today 3 days later.
Please BBM responsibly!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Paddy's Day a weh yuh really feel like

Hey you St. Patrick
No not there...stop looking at the white man with the fake irish accent...over hear at the black girl speaking Jamaican.
A weh yuh really feel like? A weh yuh a try?
So its my first St. Paddy's Day in a foreign land and being that I am in the multi-cultural capital of the world one would expect this to be an even more magical experience.They say the Irish and Jamaicans make the best of friends because we both drink like fishes but I declare that no Irish man in a pub with Rover or Mc something in the name will destroy St. Paddy's day like the people I love.
Bars, Pubs, Supermarkets, Gas Stations and Shops(real Jamaican shop) are stocking up triple fold not because of this auspicious occasion but because of fren dem..owners are telling bartenders to put fi dem ting aside them a count di beer bokkle dem, the white rum bokkle dem, di appleton bokkle dem cause dem a come and not a drop will be spared.
Mr St. Patrick I would like to thank you for being the excuse on this occasion to get drunk and take no prisoners. You're a good man. a god really.
But one of us is like a 1000 drinkers so some ppl mighta vex wid yuh
but we love
go forth and conquer my friends. I will do my part from here

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Howling at the moon...but I'm a vampire

I'm not the most sound sleeper on the planet and at the moment I have no curtains.
Anyways I sleep in spurts of roughly half an hour each so I am always slightly awake.
Last night I had one of my rollover awake moments and opened my eyes to witness the boldest moon I have seen in years.
It wasn't full- but it was almost full and round and bright and the blue of the sky around it. This moon was special.
So special I felt the urge to howl. And I am not joking like my mouth started to form the howl lips that you see in the movies. I got up and walked to the window to get a closer and better look at the moon.
Teneile what are you doing?
And as I took the suddenly very slow walk back to my bed frequently looking back at the moon the howl was rising up inside me.
In trying to go back to sleep but I feel the moon call me
I had to form a cocoon and clear my brain to forget about the moon and hold back the howl.
Does this mean werewolves are real and I'm not really a vampire because it would really suck to know I'm living a lie.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The misconception that is mind-blowing sex

Mind blowing sex...does not a relationship make. Its a painful reality but its true. We wish it did but it doesn't. Sometimes in life we find ourselves at the end of the first encounter in the darkest crevices of he or she whose last name we haven't imprinted in our memory banks yet.

We thrash about... we sweat... we do it. And of course amidst the post sex panting you have decided you just had the best sex ever.

Harsh reality- sex is not hard to have because of this good sex easily becomes muddled with love and emotion. I've been in the relationship where if not for the sex we might as well have been strangers. Which brings me to another harsh reality...

There are people in this world who will find your G-spot...your special zone or mark or place that makes fireworks go off and mi nuh mean Katy Perry Fireworks mi mean "neighbours know yuh name' and how fi spell it fireworks. Why? Sex is a technical act...some master the technique and most g-spots and pleasure zones are in the same general vicinity...buck ups is a ten.

If the primary reason you find yourself in that person's presence a second time is for the sex..chances are it won't end well...more importantly it is not a relationship.

If you're confusing mind-blowing sex with means you may have a conflicting definition of love.

Here is when I think mind-blowing sex should be muddled with love...

Its the kind of sex you have where in the middle of it and you happen to be listening to a CD..the other person stops and "pull up" di song and you don't skip a beat. It doesn't phase you or stop you or offend you. It makes you want more.

Its the kind of sex when you're scared to mess up and without saying it...they realise and even if you do say it...they don't care.

Its the sex you're willing to turn down sex for. And if you don't turn down that secondary sex. its the dissatisfaction you feel when it wasn't what you expected.

Its the bad sex with the right person because you know that neither of you are actually bad at sex you're just having an off day and that's okay. Having that thought about sex is mind-blowing.

Doing things to please your partner that you spoke ill of in public will blow your mind.

If you're not having these experiences or an experience that can be equated to any of these you are not having mind blowing sex...what you are doing is called a fun way to burn lots of calories...which isn't a bad thing but please don't call it love it makes you look stupid

Ping Responsibly(N.B to blackberry buffoons)

I'm not even mincing words...

(1) if you haven't seen me naked DON'T ping me before 8am
(2) if you have not contributed to my financial well being DON'T ping me before 8am.
(3) if I didn't take the time out of my life to give you a nickname DON'T ping me before 8am.
(4) if without a blackberry we would otherwise not communicate DON'T ping me before 8am.
(5) if you are a blood relative and the family is NOT under siege DON'T ping me before 8am
(6) if I have never had the audacity to ping YOU before 8am DON'T fool yourself and think you can do it to me.

Really the point I am trying to make is I don't care if you are up at 6am to beat the traffic to work turn on the radio..the hire people to cope with those things. they get paid to be your company at 8am.

And don't send me a broadcast message before 8am. i WILL delete you and then your feelings will be hurt and we don't need all that emotion.

Use the bb wisely, its not less annoying than the phone ringing yuh nuh. Its more annoying because in real emergencies people CALL. so when you hear that ping you know is fuckery. And you are forced to ask yourself "why is this person on my bb?" and then you look even closer at the name and the message and go "what false sense of comfort has this person lulled into why they think they can get away with a 6am ping?"

Oh and if I reach the point of deleting you it probably means I will reach the point of ignoring all future requests as well. the DELETE will be final.
And if you read this blog and go but wait I pinged her before 8am...yes YOU gave birth to this blog.

Actually I'm thinking to start the petition for the blackberry license but that's a whole other blog. til then
Ping responsibly

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sex on Friday is the GREATEST!!! (For the 9 to 5 Woman)

Sex on the Friday is the greatest... think about it... No? Okay. I'll do it for you.

Sex on MONDAY is about getting the damn thing done. Its about trying to reverse the clock. Its like Dorothy...that writhing sexual motion just before the orgasm you're saying "there's no place like the weekend, there's no place like the weekend" and then you're done and you just waan cuss badwud.

Sex on TUESDAY is about facing the reality that you are really JUST one day closer to Friday. Its such a painful reality that you skip the foreplay.

Sex on WEDNESDAY is just angry sex. Its the sex you use to remind yourself that Friday is really coming and I should not quit tomorrow. More importantly that orgasm better not hold out pon yuh a rass. N.B (to orgasm) Its not about you; its about getting in a state of mind that I don't risk being fired at work tomorrow. So let's do the damn thing.

Sex on THURSDAY is like the day before August 1, 1834. You can taste the freedom but you still have to hear the official announcement before you know you are actually free. Thus on a Thursday you hold back cause you don't want it to steal the Friday orgasm

Sex on FRIDAY is everything. You take all the reasons why sex on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday fell short and throw it into Friday. Buddy a guh bruk pon Friday! And no you don't want foreplay on Friday yuh want the shit Vybz Kartel sings about. You want CENSORED sex! Jenna Jamieson nuh have a ting pon yuh! Because...

Sex on SATURDAY is for foreplay. Wi nuh have nuttin fi do a morning and we can late for Church God will understand.

Sex on Sunday is painful. Its so painful one would rather not have it because its just a reminder that you're preparing for the week ahead. But you're going to have it Don't fret! Yuh know why? Because without Monday evening yuh heading home jobless cause smaddy would a dead and is not you.

Thus SEX on Friday is the GREATEST!!!

Trapped in the Elevator 1: The Cokehead

So the other day mooretalkja blogged that you know you're Jamaican when the uninvited third party enters the conversation as if they started it. Sigh.
Well you know you're in Canada when someone randomly starts having the most meaningful of conversations with you. Why? the unfortunate situation is this- you are there when the thought crosses their mind.
So yesterday I am going to buy lotion. 10 flights down and maybe a hop skip and jump to the smoke and gift and this is an easily resolved problem. But yesterday the universe was against me.
I step outside and I find myself face to face with what looks like a recovering drug addict.A small white woman in twead green sweater, eyes-crossed but still very wide-eyed in combat mode with the elevator button. So I do the Jamaican thing. I put my hands in my pocket and look away with a fast prayer in my head saying "elevator come, elevator come".
So she begins to ask me if I was visited by a City of Toronto fireman and if he happened to give me his number. So I said "No." Al the while trying to give most unfriendly Jamaican face but I find Canadians them committed when dem a chat off yuh head yuh nuh. so the elevator comes and its full so her shutting up rests in the hands of maybe she won't want to tell the ENTIRE elevator. No such luck. This woman went on and on and to through salt, pepper and oregano into my wounds the elevator was in high demand- how it just a stop at every floor suh and a tek in people. by the 7th floor its 7 of us, a dog and all our winter garb huddled like chunk tuna in the elevator. BUT SHE IS STILL LOOKING UP, OVER AND AROUND THE WOMAN WITH HER DOG to talk to me. big Sigh. By the third floor she has decided she is telling her story to the entire elevator and when she laughs she looks at everyone in the elevator for laughter support. *straight face* *blank stare* *bitch shut up eyes* and my face is screaming *whhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy meeeeeee?* kind of like the cartoon Lizzie Maguire who does what she really wants to do.
And we finally make it to the lobby and it seems we are heading our separate ways she touches me- the recovering cokehead with the crossed eyes touches me. [Insert me swallowing my inner Jamaica like Buckleys cough syrup here] she touches me to stop me from walking away so she can finish her story. And my face is saying "God woman, seriously how lonely can you be?" And then I look at her and it all makes sense.
And then she goes "So i'm heading to the main office to make a complaint so he doesn't ge ton the property again and then I am heading to the City of Toronto office to complain to them and I have his business card with call me written on it as evidence. He won't prey on me in my singleness." And she walks off and standing in front of my building I look at the smoke and gift and say to myself "fuck you lotion, just fuck you!"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

think of it as poor parenting

The CONCACAF Under-17 World Cup qualifications is currently being marred by a dispute between the FHF and the JFF. As the media presents it- two members of the Haitian football team were found to be infected with Malaria. This is a fact admitted in both Haitian and Jamaican news reports. In the Haiti Libre "we find Two of our players are infected with malaria, yet this disease cannot be spread by human contact.
This frustration comes due to a lack of respect towards our ambassadors. Our players are isolated, close in rooms guarded by soldiers, no access to outside communication, food nor water."
In the Gleaner it states that the Malaria infected players were treated and other members of the team were found to be exhibiting symptoms. The Ministry of Health recommended that the players return home and arrangements were made for such. There are clear questions of the rules of International Travel and Trade. This I accept but let me look at this from another perspective. Let us forget Jamaica versus Haiti for a moment or even the joy that comes with representing your country. Let us look at this as a team which is ill.

Malaria is a parasitic illness carried by the anopheles mosquito. It is distributed from one human to another by the bite of this mosquito. It is a tropical disease and as such is likely to be found in countries like Haiti and Jamaica. The symptoms of malaria include fever, headache, muscle pain, nausea, sweating, vomiting, jaundice, chills and extreme symptoms such as a coma and anemia. The players on the Haitian football team are under the age of 17. So let us stop for a moment and present the scenario that the FHF and the Haitian Government are parents and these players are there children. Would it be responsible of the parent to send the child to play a strenuous sport such as football suffering from these symptoms? This a team of children and might I say the future of Haiti like all countries rests in the hands of the next generation. I am certain these players were eager to represent their country and bring some joy to a battered people but at what cost? Is Haiti's role and participation in the Under-17 World Cup more important than the health and welfare of its people?

The discovery of malaria according to the WHO should and must be treated as a medical emergency and the infected be immediately hospitalised. Medication could take anywhere from a day to two weeks to rid the body of the disease though in most cases it is survivable. But even if the possibility existed that these players were a day away from being cured do you send them on a football field for 90 minutes of strenuous activity? My immediate answer is no. Its responsible and this may be a window into the kinds of actions that have crippled the Caribbean's first independent nation.

Now let us look at international health and trade. Given the discovery of the disease the immediate course of action is to have those suffering treated with proper medication. Based on all accounts this was done but again these players would have been in no condition to play. This disease though not transmitted by human contact as the FHF pointed out is transmitted by a mosquito that is found in Jamaica. By not taking any action people would have been at risk- healthy Haitians included. It is not a show of positive international relations to send the Haitians home. However, the Haitians were in Jamaica to play a football match expressing good 'parenting' it was recommended that it was in the best interest of the children that they not be allowed to play the match. As such send them home. If it was schoolboy football and St. George's showed up at Excelsior roasting with fever I suspect the referees would call of the match and send the team back from whence they came.

The Haitian government acted irresponsibly and had no regard for the health of its own people. The Jamaican government took the health of its own people into account and acted responsibly. I do not believe we should apologise for that and all attempts to appease the inflamed Haitians should halted. On the matter of Haiti burning flags and boycotting products well the people must vent I suppose. In my opinion, I think the Haitians have truly lost their way. Their anger should be directed towards their own government for instead of making sure these boys were healthy they sent them to play football.


Stating the obvious has been ruining perfectly good moments for generations. You know the moment I'm talking about when you're peacefully experiencing a public place to suddenly encounter a childhood friend or schoolmate. Your eyes do a little squint and you start scanning your brain for the right name while holding that courteous fake smile perfectly in place. The obligatory hug is so beautifully uncomfortable and then this 'blast from the past' that just interrupted your much anticipated burger king goes "you've gained so much weight, you used to be really skinny, did something happen?" Well its funny you should ask the question you just answered at the beginning of the sentence. This rarely mastered art form is called 'stating the obvious'.

What intrigues me most about this strange human practice is we don't think its inappropriate. This confuses me. You walk into the clothing store and you see each other and falsely laughing it up and then someone goes "your hair, its so different". All that fake joy lost forever. And then there is the very generic "my how you've changed" Do we really need to do this to each other? Humans are such fragile beings. And these random encounters of stating the obvious don't end there. They become phone calls to current films that start with sentences like "you would not believe who I just saw", "Guess what that bitch [insert name here] from high school just said to me". And there is the negative start to the conversation that puts pressure on the real friend in your life "tell me the truth, do you think I'm fat. like do you think I need to lose weight?" Awkward silence anyone. Because now this poor friend who has been loving you without open judgement has to rectify the potential damage of stating the obvious without impacting your friendship.

My favourites are those who state the obvious and don't even realise it. You know when someone knew you in your ugly phase and they run into you years later in your hot phase and the expression on their face says "is that really her?" And you just want to go "yes, its me bitch and yes I am hotter than you and that makes me smile."

Stating the obvious has the disastrous domino effect. Someone is going to leave the situation with doubt, questions, merry wonderment. As a collective world of citizens I think we should band together and boycott stating the obvious. We must save ourselves from the tailspin that stating the obvious results in. I'm one voice in a million but I'm letting it all hang out for the greater good.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Musings from a Burlesque boy

In 1993 during her speech on at the gay rights March on Washington lesbian activist Urvashi Vaid stated "With hearts full of love and the abiding faith in justice, we have come to Washington to speak to America. We have come to speak the truth of our lives and silence the liars. We have come to challenge the cowardly Congress to end its paralysis and exercise moral leadership."

What is moral leadership? Well in the battle for equality and human rights for all it is simply doing that which does not harm another. What's morally right its humanly fair in my opinion. Yesterday,I posted a video on my facebook account which featured a little boy recreating Christina Aguilera's Burlesque routine from the movie of the same name. It sparked discussion as many posts do on facebook. Some viewing it as simply an expression of inner desires and youthful exuberance. Some like myself,viewing it as a violation of the rights of the child. Something of note, came out of that discussion- the question of gender?
In a phallic world the penis is often lauded and its honour protected at all costs. However the following comment challenged that ideology
"I think because its a boy and it may be seen as gay or quirky, its easy for people to dismiss as flamboyant and funny. But this just isnt funny. Pedophilia is real, and children should be children. I feel like honestly if this was a girl NO ONE would be disputing that this is dirct kiddie porn. Why should we not protect our boys the same way?"

I have been thinking about it and it has left me with a few questions-
In the fight for human rights and equality are we in danger of sacrificing one right for another?
Is freedom of expression clouding morality and moral responsibility?
In accepting that some boys are effeminate are we in danger of sexualising them?

If we are to use the traditional model of 'becoming a man' then it is within reason and agreeable fact that man are raised to come to terms with their 'excitable' bodies earlier than women. Women are raised to ignore, quell or control the 'desires of the body' ideally until they can turn their own key. A woman's sexuality is protected, her body is a temple and she must treat is a such. Men...not so much.

In applying this model to the youtube video in question; becoming an effeminate man is being treated in a similar manor as becoming a masculine man. I firmly agree that be this the video of a young girl- their would have been outrage rather than support for his 'fierceness'. His right to be 'sexually free' is being given precedence over his right to be a child. I do not believe that is a reflection of moral leadership and is regressive to say the least.

Article 34 in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child speaks against the exploitation of a child as a sexual object.

Article 34

States Parties undertake to protect the child from all forms of sexual exploitation and sexual abuse. For these purposes, States Parties shall in particular take all appropriate national, bilateral and multilateral measures to prevent:

(a) The inducement or coercion of a child to engage in any unlawful sexual activity;

(b) The exploitative use of children in prostitution or other unlawful sexual practices;

(c) The exploitative use of children in pornographic performances and materials.

I admit that children can be bad, most boys and girls become aware of their sexuality very early in life and thus the role of the parent is to shape the development of this child properly. What seems quirky and cute and fierce at four may turn out to be something completely different at the age of fourteen. It is not the place of the parent to punish his son for wearing a dress and dancing like a girl. It is the ROLE of the parent that wearing a dress and dancing like a girl does not become a burlesque show on youtube. LOVE THE CHILD, DON'T EXPLOIT THE CHILD.

As I openly lobby for the next generations right to freedom of ALL sexual expressions I cannot do so if it sacrifices the right of the child. And I implore all homosexuals and lesbians to be distinct and clear in doing the same. At a time where gay marriage, gay adoption and gay families are being seen as a danger to the moral fabric of the world we must be careful. Here is some food for thought- the Jamaican society in the last two years has become outraged at the high number of incidences of carnal abuse, child molestation, statutory rape and sexual assault. Working in a newsroom you get countless letters from Churches, Non-profit organisations, Activists groups such as Children First or Jamaicans for Justice speaking out against these ills. I can't recall a single letter speaking out against the sexual abuse of our country's children coming from the Jamaican Forum for lesbians, all sexuals and gays (JFLAG). I anxiously await being corrected on this statistic; that would make me proud.

This disgust with a youtube video grew into something far greater for me, my role in the society as a gay person. Am I only fighting for the right to be sexually free or am I fighting for the right to live in a better world. So yes, I do think its great, amazing and beautiful that little boy can have the support of his parents because he wants to wear lipstick. He could be wearing face paint and helmets in a few months. He can be anything he wants. But the thought that the possibility to exists that the video bares even the slightest resemblance to child pornography negates any adoration I may have felt.

Urvashi Vaid called for moral leadership. We are citizens of the world and we are charged to contribute more than just rainbow flags, pride festivals and men in heels; we are charged to be exemplary citizens. So exemplary must we be that the 'right faction' forgets we are even gay. After all, isn't that what the fight is about- the right to be simply...HUMAN