back at the beginning of the love story...

Bored with mediocre cable I found myself encapsulated by the riveting film-making that was Grease 2. Almost upon arrival Michael zeros in on Stephanie and decides that's my girl. He makes and move, she shoots him down but not without dropping a hint. "I need a cooooollll rider." Thus begins the journey of Michael becoming the man Stephanie WANTS. And so it goes from 'Sixteen Candles' to 'Ten Things I hate about You'. Love is sold to us as sacrifice, change and compromise. Even when we take the love out of high school and into 'Sweet Home Alabama' or 'Love Jones' its the same story. Its not a series of perfect dates. Its a moment. Love is seemingly some moment that you either pay attention to or ignore. Whether you follow the moment or ignore it- you're haunted.

It follows you. It judges you. It lingers on your shoulder within each moment of the impending love story. You break up with someone and in the postmortem you're bound to say "well we didn't have an instant connection so.." or "i felt it, the moment we met. i don't know what changed." The middle of the love story or the end of the story always has us revisiting the beginning. Actually the middle or end of any love story has us revisiting the beginning of every love story. It's the search for the Why? What's my type? Why is this perfect or not perfect? What makes this love and that a fling? Someone told me once that each person is allotted five great loves and your soul mate may never be your lover. Of course it made no sense to me. That's not what the movies say neither the romance novels nor that voice in your head.

So you're back at the beginning of the love story. Are we star-crossed lovers? We must be. We had this moment in the past and left it there. So why are we having it again? Today? In a public place at that. Even worse. If you have this moment with more than one person does that make you a whore or someone living with a series of incomplete love stories? Why do we always find ourselves back at the beginning of the love story?

For me it could be because I have never dated. I have never had that moment where someone sees you and wants to get to know you and asks you out and you say yes and prepare for a potentially awkward meal of avoiding the garlic. I don't try things. In the game of love I don't play. I don't take chances. I have no impulses. In the game of love. I have fallen and risen all without any reciprocation from the other person. I suppose we return to the beginning of the love story in search of ourselves. Love takes of us and what it takes we will never get back.

This is what I kept thinking as Michael the British Nerd became Michael the cool rider simply to be noticed. Its also the question I asked myself as Patrick Dempsey fell apart in 'Can't buy me Love'. Of course I also wondered if other people were having this intellectual experience while watching these rather basic and Utopian love stories.

And then like a lightning bolt it hit me. I am Michael. I am that grand romantic gesture. I play Russian Roulette with my heart. I am my Achilles heel. While existing in the middle of the love story my mind is always regressing to the beginning, to the moment because I'm certain in that moment I immediately gave up something to get you to look back at me. Maybe I should have watched that movie with a glass of rum and ting and then this blog post would have gone in an entirely different direction.