Tuesday, December 14, 2010

LAMBSTAT and the lovers!

"Love is our true destiny."
Isn't love just a crock of shit sometimes. Countless quotes telling us that without love one is virtually a black hole of nothingness. I find the thought ghastly and inappropriate- to tell me that my existence, my being on this will be an unfulfilled experience without having had at least one lover. As disgusted as I am with the thought now I can't say I completely disagree or that I never lived for that feeling once. The lovers will tell you that I go hard or go home. I am a lover, a romantic, a sucker for the memories and the moments and the future we can behold. This is in complete contradiction with my logical self. I am a pessimist. I envision the worst of a situation first, plan to avoid it but if I fail I'm not too broken up because secretly I prepared myself to expect it.

This is sure to clash with the lover in me because love thrives on hope and egoism. You can't be a good lover if you don't have hope or if you don't think your love is the "beesnees". But isn't that where love fails us. It tells us to hope, to believe that your love is worth it all and then some. It ultimately sets us up for the potential fall out I think and for that reason love is an ass.
I was at a love crossroads today. A friend needed my wit, my charm, my love her in dealing with the fallout of love and I couldn't bring myself to be what she needed. The pessimist in me had won and it should have felt like shit but it didn't. The "why" of this experience has been on my mind for the greater part of my day. A major part of me is angry because though we have never been lovers- I give her the "beesnees" kind of love. I love her like a lover and well this lover didn't. I want to scream but I can't. I want to be mad at her but I shouldn't. Love's ego cuts us like a double-edged sword sometimes and she was bleeding. And as much as I have seen the error of my ways and want to run in and save her but she must bleed for now and I have to understand that. The beautiful thing about love is I will know when to enter with the thread and the needle.

And so I am here again- angry at love and sometimes second guessing my own "beesnees" kind of love. Going through the past lovers of in my life- the beautiful memories and the painful fallout and I can't help but think that it is not love that is one's destiny but the eventual fallout of love. I write this blog while being madly and happily in love; hoping that this love will have no fallout. With all the ego love has there can't be enough space in a room for it and two people. It just can't! So is love going to keep swallowing us whole and spitting us out. A dat me waan know! If we can't save ourselves how are we going to save our friends?

We can't. We don't. We hope. Like love we thrive on hope that somehow, someday, someone will look back on the people you love and give them the "beesnees" they been searching for. I love all my friends like lovers. I think that's how I choose to believe in love. To fight the inevitable fall out because the thing is. You don't fall OUT of love with your friends. Lovers are not the end of you or the purpose of you. Though they certainly are an amazing bonus prize in this life. So for the lover I failed I'm sorry and for the lovers I can't do without. I love you. As for love and it's ego can't say I blame it love feels good.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Save a nation, Do not take sex advice from dancehall!

Terms not to be associated with my Vagina!

Dancehall music is a colourful art form, wouldn't you say? Listening to dancehall as avidly as I do eventually you move beyond the beat and find yourself noticing the words. It is at this point that fear and trepidation set in. "Kartel neva jus seh dat" "No Busy, mercy said no" "Is my vagina yuh talking about though, I'm just saying"
So i have compiled a list, an introductory and minimal list of terms not to be associated with my vagina.

1. 'Shub it een'- What you shubbing? Why? Where? With whose consent? Shub is a term my daddy used when he was fixing something or doing house cleaning and he needed somewhere to store things. I am not a storage closet so yea, we not shubbing anything.

2. 'Spread out yuh foot like police a search yuh'- Why? Afta mia nuh drug mule. Yuh lose something inside there? I doubt it.

3. 'Rape fuck'- Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! And I don't think I need to explain why.

4. 'Batta bruise, blue and black up'- Domestic violence is a crime. You should be persecuted and locked away for that.

5. 'Stab up'- Really though? Stab up? You stab meat to stuff it with seasoning. You stab people to kill them #thatisall

6. 'Feel period pain'- I am real tyrant on my period, yuh really waan experience that?!?

7. 'Buss a clappers'- This is a body part not asphalt outta road. Steupse.

8. 'Fucking you mek me see pepperlight'- if you are seeing white lights while you are inside me it means you are transitioning to the other side, in which case get the rass of me cause I won't be responsible.

9. 'Mek me use mi blackberry tek a snapshot'- Sex tapes not allowed.

10.'Force up'- Why are we forcing things? I want to live to tell the tale.

11.'if yuh pussy lucky mi will get back mi visa'- My pussy caan solve dem deh global problem deh, get a good lawyer.

12.'Beat it up'- My vagina is an abuse free zone. It has never done anything wrong and therefore needs no beating.

13.'Jackhammer'- Yuh know what they use jackhammers to do... DRILL CONCRETE!

14.'yuh get a vision'- Try nuh get nuh vision please. I see these things on LAW and ORDER: SVU and Criminal Minds. Visions are a very bad sign.

15.'Nine months yuh get baby'- No unplanned pregnancies.

I realise that some hapless, clueless, brainless males and females are lost under the illusion that these are appropriate sexual terms. Save a nation, Do not take sex advice from dancehall!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Mission: Save my Arse!

Since arriving in Toronto and appetite and transportation wise a lot has change. The much desired side effect of this change is weight loss. I should be bouncing off the walls with joy; weight loss without the boiled chicken, flax flakes, blanched vegetable diet. But what about the parts we don't want to lose?
I am not a woman known for possessing junk in the trunk- quite the opposite so imagine my shock and surprise when I prep my little body for a shower. After disrobing I step past mirror and stop. I do a matrix lean backward to make eye contact with myself and reluctantly pull the rest of my body backwards. I made a startling observation.
The indentation between my arse/ass/buttocks/bottom/plumper and my spine/back is diminishing in width.
so after doing on average about twenty 360 degree spins in front of the mirror I realise I am in danger of being late for class because I should have showered 10 minutes ago. However, film technology must wait goddangit. So I start to do the body check and notice that I am losing weight which I should be bouncing off the walls over except that I now am in danger of having no ASS! I would like to keep my ass, I don't have one it does what it can to balance out my gifted bosom and losing it would be bad for my reputation. I'm a good looking gyal.
So I am officially in a state of panic and hysteria and must be comforted. So I frantically start messaging my partner who says to me "calm down baby" after laughing at me. After placating my emotions, the mission was born.
So I now walk up and do toning exercises in the morning and will be accepting donations to the Teneile gym fund. So the mission should you just to support me is to Save my arse!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Lamb, The Line and The Wardrobe

In my move to Canada there is an obvious climate change which undoubtedly has lead to a wardrobe change. Being a proverbial observer and a victim of ADHD I can't help but notice the things that are happening around me. In Jamaican I'm generally thrown by the Ugg boots walking by me in burger king or that woman in those yeast infection causing jeans.

In Canada it appears that the line between warmth and serial killer is very thin. You see the trench coat unfortunately has a bad reputation. Events such as Columbine, bank robberies and most mass murder shootings has resulted in this negative portrayal of the trench coat. What this has resulted in also is the lifetime movie trying to be coy by using other kinds of coats thus the coat has a bad reputation.

So when I go on the train, the young lady with the black trench coat and pink fashion water boots doesn't scare me. On the other hand, the gentleman in the long black coat in dirty shoes, with a blank cold stare on his face does. I can't help but think there is some serious artillery in his right coat pocket.

Like last night there was a gentleman walking towards me at the bus stop and I honestly wanted to push him in the line of on coming traffic before he did it to me. I guess the real issue isn't the coat is it? It's the persona in the coat as well. If you're going to wear clothes with a bad reputation at least where it with some amount of glee, a smile on your face and a sunflower in your coat pocket. Not literally obviously, but you get the idea.

So, upon a deep analysis of my fear of the coat or the persona in the coat, I think the bigger problem is I need to buy a coat and I don't want to look like a serial killer.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Come on Subway...I'm dying here

The Subway... Its a novel method of transportation. The basic idea is to get the individual from point A to B on one fare provided there are no stopovers. The subway is just as immortalised in films about New York as the Central Park or the Statue of Liberty is. You can't tell a tale of the city that never sleeps without a subway scene. The New York City Subway is a part of that city's popular culture.

Unfortunately, my tale of subway brilliance comes from Toronto, Canada.They got subways too eh? But here's the thing for some strange reason every time I go on the subway, I'm waiting for Collins to break out into song like that scene in Rent. I get on the subway and my eyes start looking for that actor or that person who's gonna make that moment happen for me. " Sunny Santa Fe would be nice..." And then I have a delusional moment and wonder if that person is suppose to be me. But my insanity doesn't last long enough for me to inflict such pain upon others.

So here I am on the subway waiting for it break out in song and it doesn't. And I find myself looking at the design of the subway train from the seats to the standing bars to the doors to enter and the doors between the cabins. I notice what each person is doing and I'm thinking we've got the makings of magic here.

All kinds of magic too...horror can happen on the subway. Let's face its underground and an excellent location for a crime. The subway scene "The Pursuit of Happyness" may lead one to pursue suicide.

Tony Manero has a fun subway scene at the end of Saturday Night Fever. Event Step Up 2 God forgive me for remembering this has an amazing subway scene. The subway is movie magic...its the greatest film location ever invented. The Seinfield subway episode is EPICNESS.

So what I'm trying to figure out is what's wrong with my subway. Is the problem that I'm not in New York? I've got it all...the hallow sound of underground, the grunge kid, the guy in the suit, the artist, the crazy person, the steps leading down and the bodies coming and going. I'm beginning to feel like I've been duped and I don't appreciate it. Cause, well cause I've grown to like taking the subway.

I just need the other people on the train to see my vision you know.
In other news it seems the magic has been happening on the bus. I've been serenaded in Hindi, been shamelessly hit on, viewed a rather unattractive make-out session and a close encounter of the 5th kind with humanity. Okay, maybe the last one isn't unique to the bus so much as its just a part of life.

You think Make a Wish Foundation would help me out. I got big subway dreams

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Prince of Persia (Why you must never go to the movies alone?)

What is the obsession with Persia?
It could be the breathtaking Perisan beauty, the beads or the clothes or the amazing fascination we have with Prince and Princesses. Or maybe we are just too bored with our own lives.

Anyways, it is that sense of boredom, friendship and a cue of rum that brought me and the Prince of Persia together in the first place. The boredom I regret, the other two I will keep.

Let's begin with facts- the Prince of Persia is a video game. The brainchild of what I have decided is some man obsessed with trite and love conquers all bullcrap.

The film is based on the Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. The third instalment in the Prince of Persia video game series. I think the film started going downhill the minute it was based on a video game.

There was time when the new worlds would never dare meet but as CGI becomes the heart of the top grossing films video games are getting their 15 minutes of fame on the big screen.

But a great film isn't based on swinging and jumping and sand turning back time. A great film is based on a well worked plot, characters that take your breath away and dialogue. Sensible dialogue.

Prince of Persia was a bunch of white people with long hair and British accents playing hop scotch in sand. Lots and lots of sand.God bless Jake Gylenhaal for putting in time at the gym, Ben Kingsley for having those eyes and the bond girl for being a Bond Girl- one can reminisce on her bond performance while she is on screen.

And I think that' where it lost me- where were the Persians? And don't tell me they were hard to find cause with all that sand- they clearly had a budget. Them couldn't find two Persian. They can't tell me they needed big name actors for the film to make it big.

It has been proven time and time again that as far as fans of fantasy and adventure go- if the plot is what we expect it to be will make that unknown into Hollywood's next big star.

The actors in the Lord of the Rings were known to us but definitely not Hollywood's leading men. Jake you were a bore and you don't look good with long hair on your head and you look as Persian as I do.

And let's talk about script- the story is based in the 6th century and postulate that the words bureaucrat, Armageddon and entrepreneur were not being wielded so freely back then but who am I to pay attention to detail.

And as I write this and force myself to remember this horrific moment in my past I can't decide if the movie or the people enjoying it were more traumatic. The theatre was full to capacity and I was very confused. They were with Prince Dastan and his kangaroo moves all the way.

And before you think it doesn't make me harsh; it makes them in need of having better standards for what entertains them.

Prince of Persia was usurped by the company. God bless the company. It was like a sign from the heavens saying if this teaches you anything- DO NOT GO TO THE MOVIES ALONE!

Monday, May 17, 2010

The Symbol of Democracy?

The predicament that the Jamaica Labour Party, the government and the people of Jamaica now face is no longer about truths, lies and omissions. It has become about humility, respect and courage.

The leading Jamaica Labour Party for what appears to be political posterity has taken it upon themselves to fight steadfastly the extradition of Christopher ‘Dudus’ Coke. So committed have they been to this fight that they have risked their governance, their relationship with the Jamaican people and the integrity of the party.

Christopher ‘Dudus’ Coke is like an urban legend to many- we may never see him or encounter his humanity in the flesh but the power of his presence we will always be aware of. However, any hopes of saying internally as Jamaican nation “Dudus must go” have been erased by Prime Minister Bruce Golding’s fear of his constituent member.

It is this fear that has given birth to the lies, the omissions and the cries for the truths. Yet, the governing political party being lead astray by old men from the old guard has failed to find humility. The JLP dogs have stood toe to toe with a media fraternity that is obviously disgusted with their behaviour and as I listened to Samuda and Baugh’s press conference last evening, the lesson to be learnt is this.

Our political parties must stop playing Russian Roulette with each other and stand up and answer to the people. The indiscretions of the People’s National Party do not justify the indiscretions of the Jamaica Labour Party. As such the Prime Minister and the Jamaica Labour Party are both arrogant and wrong.

The behaviour displayed by Karl Samuda and Dr. Ken Baugh affirms the disrespect for the Jamaican people whom they serve. However, this seed of disrespect was sewn by us- the people. We exalt political leaders; we make excuses for them granting them the permission to be corrupt and not face the consequences of negative actions. Our political leaders will never be humble until they are forced to answer the tough and unfavourable questions.

So what happens now? The Prime Minister resigns; and then what? It seems no one has the answer to the “and then what”.

Resignation is a humble action indeed and a sign of the acceptance of his wrong; a symbol of democracy. On the other side, what does an apology say? The unfortunate reality is our political landscape does not offer us the luxury of a blanket resignation. The political tribalism is simply too great.

In this particular predicament a resignation would be the more cowardice of choices. Prime Minister Bruce Golding standing up and apologising is a more courageous act if and only if, he turns away from arrogance. Stay in power and fix your mess Mr. Golding because before you overreached as a Prime Minister this was not a mess.

But then in the face of political leaders realising that they answer to the people- which is the greater symbol of democracy- a resignation or an apology? Sigh.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Of Visas, Prison Time and Dancehall

"The system a disrespect deh Killa"
"How dah girl deh can do this to deh Killa?"
"How yuh fi a tek weh big man Visa?"

its all the rage in dancehall. The visa revocation and the famed dancehall artist. Actually, whatever wrongs or ills reaches the dancehall artist always seems to be the rage. But, I keep wondering what makes them so special.

Why when a dancehall artist is forced to fake his wrongs the system a fight him out and why the revocation of them visa is a gross injustice?

I feel like there are some simple points that need to made here. A lot of people go to US Embassies and get revoked. Even more wait years to be given the infamous green card. But guess what a VISA to visit another country is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. Beenie Man is not entitled to enter the United States though he seems to think so. No one is entitled to enter any country except for maybe Jamaica cause all we require is your breathing to get in.

Flippa Mafia clearly thought that the right to enter the US was his. No nigga, mi woulda love see you try floss now.

Bounty Killa is now out on bail on another case. Just further proof that the system is fucked. I think Kadeem Baker should be charged with public mischief and whatever else she could have been charged with. they left the Killa in prison for a while to cool off but you know my bigger issue is not his beating this girl cause clearly she like it.

Releasing Bounty Killa on bail validates him once again. Because he has committed other alleged crimes while out on bail, he has no respect for the system and obviously the system has no respect for itself. So, he attacks another officer, runs another 7 red lights, beats another woman, among other charges and ends up before the court again; he will probably laugh.

I probably would; mek the most sense to me.

Meanwhile Ninja Man sits in prison for a year waiting on a court date. Actually, many men are sitting in lock-ups at police stations for years waiting for their cases to be called but fighting for their rights is insignificant.
Why would they be important? They aren't dancehall artists or musicians.

And isn't that the bigger problem, the real issue. The reason why some dancehall artist will never be heard on The Entertainment Office on Nationwide 90FM. The worship factor.

We are the first to condemn Americans, Europeans even Canadians for artist worship. Oh look at them trying to be Lady Gaga but we do the same thing. You think because we don't have a room in our house dedicated to Sizzla it makes us any less fanatical.

Have you seen the mantourage? Have you witnessed the demeaning things they will do in hopes that the artist will let off a money? They way we allow artist to act like assholes and no one tells them to have respect. Actually, if an artists disrespects you; one is likely to be told "easy and just respect deh artist".

Well, as a media practitioner many an artist has hung up the phone in my ears and i am forced to call that artist again and it disgusts me because if I don't it means i am not committed to my job. IT comes with the territory.

That artists ego was built by YOU the Jamaican public. Who treats the artist better than self. The last artist who hung up the phone in my ears and then called me for something got an earful from me.

So let's realise that the mes and yous have meaning and value and stop treating these artists like members of the trinity.

Friday, March 12, 2010

"I told you she didnt have a dick"

This blog is for the Haus and Gaga. Stefani Germanotta if you ask mi woulda have yuh baby dem yuh nuh? That overly dramatised and disturbing statement is simply to establish from the outset the extent of my love for Gaga.
I have been waiting impatiently for the premiere of the Telephone video. My breath was baited and bones stiffened with osteoporosis. After all Gaga did say that the video would knock Bad Romance out of the water. So of course mi did excited.
However, the video blows Gaga- like a big mouth ooman on trying to deep throat a two inch dick. Now for more detailed observations

1) The Haus of Gaga suceeded as they always do with costuming and attention to detail. How them find them half-horse, half-human woman deh I have no idea. The blue telephone headgear in the kitchen scene is awesome. Also Gaga sister makes a wicked cameo making you wonder if its her. Cute. The pussy wagon fun concept. Gaga's hair colour- I loved as well. The cigarette glasses I loved those- I kept wondering how many cigarettes were killed in the making of this scene.

2)Film quality- I loved the editing of the video, the colour and that good film geek stuff.

3) about Lady Gaga and Jonas Akerlund writing this foolishness. Unnu too damn lie. The entire video was an ode to Quentin Tarantino. Hello- Kill Bill was up and through that video. The Pussy Wagon is from Kill Bill. I suppose you can take credit for the horrible dialogue between Gaga and Beyonce but that's really about it. It was a bunch of bad odes and parodies. I did also see a small ode to Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in bound- the hairstyles they had, the black leather jacket.Okay,maybe I am over-reaching with Bound. Also there seems to be some Natural Born Killers in there as well- mass killing spree and the reporter.

4)As for Beyonce she...first Lady Gaga out did her in her own video and that little wench name Gaga set up the girl to be outdone again and outdone she was. Lady Gaga mek Beyonce look like one @#%$ out mattress.

5)Tyrese's character could have been played by any other random black yute but I suppose music videos are the excuse Beyonce uses to get close to other men.

6)In general dramatisation before and after is fine but in the middle of the video with a song that sounds best in its entirety. So please to release the short version and soon.

7)The reporter in the video looks like Ricky from Noah's Ark but I could also be over-reaching on this one

A very huge point seemed to be missed in creating the treatment for this video. The song sets up an entire scenario maybe Gaga should have listened to the song. Just a small observation.

I did however figure out why she never answer the phone. She didn't want to tell him that she was a lesbian. The video doesn't have mass appeal but dear God it have lesbian appeal and freak appeal as well cause some of those lesbians have definitely transitioned.

With all that said and based on what I just watched 15 times in order to not miss a beat here is what the video should have been.

A club that looks like a prison. yes. A cross between a prison and a Les-Tranny Bar. If my boyfriend was calling and I was in a place like that I most certainly would not be answering the phone. Incidentally, all Beyonce and Gaga needed was a sex scene to complete what was happening between them.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What does my Jamaica smell like?

So I've been working on answering the question
What does my Jamaica smell like?
An odd question I know but frankly so is 'What does being Jamaican mean to you?'
And my answer to that does not include, athletic glory or how great ackee and saltfish tastes.
But back to my question...I am always observing the countryside as I drive through it
This time I noticed that Kingston smells different from St. Catherine from St. Ann from Trelawny and so on.
Mark you this could just be as a result of Trelawny and St. Ann having better garbage disposal methods than Kingston and st. Catherine, in which case my musings might be marred with flaws.
But I asked myself and my friends that question and I have gotten both crazy and poetic answers.
For me on this day as well as a few others in the past 25 years of my life- my Jamaica smells like Trinidad.

And yes it is soca season so that's not it; because I my friend is a soca junkie of no mean order who practically gets hives in December because it means the soca season is drawing near and when it arrives I am zombie in worship til its over.

In this world of recession where frugal is a way of being and I work a minimum of 3 projects a month to afford my life I cannot buy Jamaican.
Its cheaper to buy Trinidadian.
And let's face it the supermarket shelves only need shadowbenny, shark and iguana to complete the transition.
Its Trinidad all over this bitch.
And it is a little unsettling with this damn Buy Jamaican Campaign everywhere...a campaign which makes no effort to make buying Jamaican affordable but maybe that's the underlying point.

And I guess since I all I can hear on my radio is Air Jamaica this and that Air Jamaica is going to be owned by the Trinis I'm just noticing how much we really are becoming "the land of things owned in Trinidad".
And I am one of those who think Air Jamaica should be sold but then I predicted the demise from them damn champagne flights; while every other airline was cutting food expenses we were serving complimentary champagne.
But this is the same country where a boy will buy an integra and live on cup soup cause he got swagger like that so why should I be surprised that a few bottles of champagne sank the national bird.

As for Dudus him, well that has me in many places. It proves how much the Jamaican people worship America and are willing to sell out being Jamaican for a green card that you have to sell your soul for. It also highlights how little respect America has for other countries.

But again, I am a Jamaican who believed that we should have sent a plane for Al Faisal simply because he is a Jamaican and if he is to be treated like a criminal we should do it cause that's his Jamaican right.

I'm sure if Bruce stood up to France we would be like "France gweh and lef Dudus alone".

I think we should extradite Dudus to Trinidad. By 2012 we just might have a Trini accent so since we are becoming so Trini, let's give them something truly Jamaican- a don man, with political connections that can hold the country at ransom and has an entire section of the country at his finger tips.

Yes, let's do that. He brought an end to Gully-Gaza violence and continues to keep the peace in downtown as a result of his ominous reputation. The legacy he inherited from Daddy.
He could end kidnapping in Trinidad and the feud between Kevin Lyttle and Machel Montano. Its the least we could do.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

God and The Broadcast Message Suicides

The blackberry like any other technological device likes to keep fresh and stay pon top a tings. While being at my fingertips the blackberry with its smart phone technology comes with what could be considered cellphones greatest tool...Blackberry Messenger.

RIM said we need to do more and added new features...fun...group chats, fancy colours, new emoticons, pictures and the broadcast message.

At first glance the broadcast message is an amazing and brilliant idea but anything invented for good becomes a menace when placed in the hands of evil. And you evil people damn well know unnu selves.

I am not someone who checks forwards- I dont care about that dick joke, or cock joke or pums joke and I dont need to see the midget with his head up the baby canal. I also dont need the written version of that tale at my fingertips on my BLACKBERRY.

Other than annoying- unless you advertising an event and promotion is important. The broadcast message is impersonal and what is your gold is my trash. So no I dont want to go through my BBM List to see who i would want to be friends with, kiss, hug or do the dirty diana with. Call me crazy for having a life.

But you know my favourite BM- the ones from God. You know what I dont get about the oh so omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent being that is God. he always seem to be the last one to tap into the technological scene. God always starts to send out forwards, messages, put up build boards and now the broadcast message long after everyone else. Is he testing the waters or what?

If all I needed to do to confirm my love to God was wake up and say I love you God and make sure to send a message telling others to do the same,my life would be much simpler. Wait, I forgot something. The message must include a death threat.

Wid the way God a gwaan, who needs Church! Why set aside time for worship? If God can BB me; mi must can link him back. Oh wait. I Cant...BECAUSE ITS NOT GOD!

Its not even a radical Christian, its someone who is too lazy or too hungover on a saturday or sunday morning to take time out for God and feel like if them send message with death threat it mek God smile (not that I can speak for the guy)

stop sending me bullshit.stop sending me bullshit @4 in the morning when i jump up convinced something wrong with smaddy.

I recommend a mass suicide of the broadcast message before I kill it but then again Broadcast Messages probably have their own Jesus currently in his second trimester in a Blackberry Storm 2.

Yuh know what I think I better get a Nokia 3310 before I commit suicide.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dancehall, Daggering and the Tyrannosaurus Sex

"gyal brace pon mi...mek a mek yuh feel it
gyal jump pon mi...mek a mek yuh feel it
gyal rub up on mi...mek a mek yuh feel it...
lawd shi cyan tek nuh more, daggering in deh
morning har belly bottom sore"

After watching the Tyrannosaurus Sex Valentine Special on the Discovery Channel last night i have decided that not only was that how the T-Rex wooed his lady but also that based on some of these dancehall lyrics, we Jamaicans are having DINOSAUR Sex. More about the Jamaican part later.

Locomotive Entertainment Group felt that the mystery the human race has been dying to solve is how did the T-Rex dagger apparently Jurassic Park Failed at properly exploring the life of the dinosaur. I'm not sure if its the fact that some men spend decades looking at fossils to figure out how they did the nasty or the fact that this was a Valentine special that weirds me out. Actually I think its both.

Now this was a late night feature- adult only entertainment. I always wondered when porn would make it mainstream. Better yet in this recession- this dinosaur daggermentary had the budget of a feature film CGI Animation, interviews with Paleontologists around the world and a first hand look at the T-Rex penis.

Though mi nuh really tink mi did need this documentary fi tell me say the lady T-Rex had to move her tail out of the way for her 'boy' to show her a good time. Common Sense answered that question.

"Ultimately we had to make sure that everything we were doing was spot on. It's one thing to have the sizzle of animating dinosaurs having sex, but what takes it to the next level is when the information is there. It really is a learning experience for the viewer."- Gabrielle Gornell, the Director

But you know what struck me as I watched the Titanosaurus getting it on. That the many ways dinosaurs had to contort themselves in order to experience life's greatest pleasure looks like stuff I have seen at Weddy Weddy. And frankly Vybz Kartel, Aidonia, Busy Signal or even Lady Saw could have easily penned the soundtrack for this valentine special (every time I say that it cracks me up)

And I'm not sure "Baby, I'm a do you like a t-rex" is a compliment waiting to happen.
As ridiculous as the whole thing was, I really started to worry that my sex looked like stegosaurus for a minute there.

All I'm saying is the next time you thinking to take it sideways...think about the T-Rex...actually don't...it might kill the mood.

"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel"

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine and his Disgruntled Army

So tomorrow is February 14th....for some this is a milestone...a test for boyfriends everywhere (those all male couples are in for double trouble). For others its a day, just an ordinary day. If you haven't lost faith in the supreme being then you're going to Church. But then there are the few. The angry ones who hold Valentine's Day like a double-edge sword spitting vitriol at every turn. Out to avenge the single and miserable.

And since you have probably asked the question I am neither- lover nor hater of Valentine's Day. I am already burdened by the celebration of birthdays, Christmas, important achievements, the proverbial let's feel good party, births, marriages, anniversaries and everything else to come tek on another celebration. Call it a cost saving measure and call me cheap. I don't give a flying fack!

To the lovers- might I suggest being romantic all year round. Some of you people put so much pressure on the day because is the one time a year unnu hold hand outta road and pucker up to the sweet sounds of traffic rolling by.

To the disgruntled- Get over it! stop wish demise pon deh people dem love cause yuh nuh have none. Cause when yuh find it a same way yuh a gwaan like sey love never exist before yours find.

To the Women- a recommendation. If he never gets your birthday present right, forgets every anniversary from the first kiss to the first date. He probably wont get the Valentine's Day gift right either. Its simple math.

To the Men- Nuh mek shi pressure you. She will get over it unless of course you is a 'trifling fool' all the time. In which case, take advice from her friend. Before Valentine's Day become another bad memory

But let's not forget the positives here.

Valentine's day falling on a Sunday offers many opportunities.

You dont need to stay in the office and be the one person who never get flowers or be unhappy about your gift but have to fake it cause you in public.

If you're sleeping with the boss, no coy Valentine's necessary. It's Sunday.

If you get nothing you can go to work on Monday and say you got everything.

You can keep your bitter to yourself and your bitter friends.

And if anybody ask you why you never do nothing for Valentine's Day you can tell them "Sunday is my rest day...it should have fallen on Saturday".
at this point some Seventh Day Adventist a bitter me. *sticks out tongue*

As for valentine and his Disgruntled Army...dem a friend like how PJ and Seaga a friend!