Saturday, February 20, 2010

God and The Broadcast Message Suicides

The blackberry like any other technological device likes to keep fresh and stay pon top a tings. While being at my fingertips the blackberry with its smart phone technology comes with what could be considered cellphones greatest tool...Blackberry Messenger.

RIM said we need to do more and added new chats, fancy colours, new emoticons, pictures and the broadcast message.

At first glance the broadcast message is an amazing and brilliant idea but anything invented for good becomes a menace when placed in the hands of evil. And you evil people damn well know unnu selves.

I am not someone who checks forwards- I dont care about that dick joke, or cock joke or pums joke and I dont need to see the midget with his head up the baby canal. I also dont need the written version of that tale at my fingertips on my BLACKBERRY.

Other than annoying- unless you advertising an event and promotion is important. The broadcast message is impersonal and what is your gold is my trash. So no I dont want to go through my BBM List to see who i would want to be friends with, kiss, hug or do the dirty diana with. Call me crazy for having a life.

But you know my favourite BM- the ones from God. You know what I dont get about the oh so omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent being that is God. he always seem to be the last one to tap into the technological scene. God always starts to send out forwards, messages, put up build boards and now the broadcast message long after everyone else. Is he testing the waters or what?

If all I needed to do to confirm my love to God was wake up and say I love you God and make sure to send a message telling others to do the same,my life would be much simpler. Wait, I forgot something. The message must include a death threat.

Wid the way God a gwaan, who needs Church! Why set aside time for worship? If God can BB me; mi must can link him back. Oh wait. I Cant...BECAUSE ITS NOT GOD!

Its not even a radical Christian, its someone who is too lazy or too hungover on a saturday or sunday morning to take time out for God and feel like if them send message with death threat it mek God smile (not that I can speak for the guy)

stop sending me bullshit.stop sending me bullshit @4 in the morning when i jump up convinced something wrong with smaddy.

I recommend a mass suicide of the broadcast message before I kill it but then again Broadcast Messages probably have their own Jesus currently in his second trimester in a Blackberry Storm 2.

Yuh know what I think I better get a Nokia 3310 before I commit suicide.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dancehall, Daggering and the Tyrannosaurus Sex

"gyal brace pon mi...mek a mek yuh feel it
gyal jump pon mi...mek a mek yuh feel it
gyal rub up on mi...mek a mek yuh feel it...
lawd shi cyan tek nuh more, daggering in deh
morning har belly bottom sore"

After watching the Tyrannosaurus Sex Valentine Special on the Discovery Channel last night i have decided that not only was that how the T-Rex wooed his lady but also that based on some of these dancehall lyrics, we Jamaicans are having DINOSAUR Sex. More about the Jamaican part later.

Locomotive Entertainment Group felt that the mystery the human race has been dying to solve is how did the T-Rex dagger apparently Jurassic Park Failed at properly exploring the life of the dinosaur. I'm not sure if its the fact that some men spend decades looking at fossils to figure out how they did the nasty or the fact that this was a Valentine special that weirds me out. Actually I think its both.

Now this was a late night feature- adult only entertainment. I always wondered when porn would make it mainstream. Better yet in this recession- this dinosaur daggermentary had the budget of a feature film CGI Animation, interviews with Paleontologists around the world and a first hand look at the T-Rex penis.

Though mi nuh really tink mi did need this documentary fi tell me say the lady T-Rex had to move her tail out of the way for her 'boy' to show her a good time. Common Sense answered that question.

"Ultimately we had to make sure that everything we were doing was spot on. It's one thing to have the sizzle of animating dinosaurs having sex, but what takes it to the next level is when the information is there. It really is a learning experience for the viewer."- Gabrielle Gornell, the Director

But you know what struck me as I watched the Titanosaurus getting it on. That the many ways dinosaurs had to contort themselves in order to experience life's greatest pleasure looks like stuff I have seen at Weddy Weddy. And frankly Vybz Kartel, Aidonia, Busy Signal or even Lady Saw could have easily penned the soundtrack for this valentine special (every time I say that it cracks me up)

And I'm not sure "Baby, I'm a do you like a t-rex" is a compliment waiting to happen.
As ridiculous as the whole thing was, I really started to worry that my sex looked like stegosaurus for a minute there.

All I'm saying is the next time you thinking to take it sideways...think about the T-Rex...actually don' might kill the mood.

"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel"

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine and his Disgruntled Army

So tomorrow is February 14th....for some this is a milestone...a test for boyfriends everywhere (those all male couples are in for double trouble). For others its a day, just an ordinary day. If you haven't lost faith in the supreme being then you're going to Church. But then there are the few. The angry ones who hold Valentine's Day like a double-edge sword spitting vitriol at every turn. Out to avenge the single and miserable.

And since you have probably asked the question I am neither- lover nor hater of Valentine's Day. I am already burdened by the celebration of birthdays, Christmas, important achievements, the proverbial let's feel good party, births, marriages, anniversaries and everything else to come tek on another celebration. Call it a cost saving measure and call me cheap. I don't give a flying fack!

To the lovers- might I suggest being romantic all year round. Some of you people put so much pressure on the day because is the one time a year unnu hold hand outta road and pucker up to the sweet sounds of traffic rolling by.

To the disgruntled- Get over it! stop wish demise pon deh people dem love cause yuh nuh have none. Cause when yuh find it a same way yuh a gwaan like sey love never exist before yours find.

To the Women- a recommendation. If he never gets your birthday present right, forgets every anniversary from the first kiss to the first date. He probably wont get the Valentine's Day gift right either. Its simple math.

To the Men- Nuh mek shi pressure you. She will get over it unless of course you is a 'trifling fool' all the time. In which case, take advice from her friend. Before Valentine's Day become another bad memory

But let's not forget the positives here.

Valentine's day falling on a Sunday offers many opportunities.

You dont need to stay in the office and be the one person who never get flowers or be unhappy about your gift but have to fake it cause you in public.

If you're sleeping with the boss, no coy Valentine's necessary. It's Sunday.

If you get nothing you can go to work on Monday and say you got everything.

You can keep your bitter to yourself and your bitter friends.

And if anybody ask you why you never do nothing for Valentine's Day you can tell them "Sunday is my rest should have fallen on Saturday".
at this point some Seventh Day Adventist a bitter me. *sticks out tongue*

As for valentine and his Disgruntled Army...dem a friend like how PJ and Seaga a friend!