Tuesday, December 14, 2010

LAMBSTAT and the lovers!

"Love is our true destiny."
Isn't love just a crock of shit sometimes. Countless quotes telling us that without love one is virtually a black hole of nothingness. I find the thought ghastly and inappropriate- to tell me that my existence, my being on this will be an unfulfilled experience without having had at least one lover. As disgusted as I am with the thought now I can't say I completely disagree or that I never lived for that feeling once. The lovers will tell you that I go hard or go home. I am a lover, a romantic, a sucker for the memories and the moments and the future we can behold. This is in complete contradiction with my logical self. I am a pessimist. I envision the worst of a situation first, plan to avoid it but if I fail I'm not too broken up because secretly I prepared myself to expect it.

This is sure to clash with the lover in me because love thrives on hope and egoism. You can't be a good lover if you don't have hope or if you don't think your love is the "beesnees". But isn't that where love fails us. It tells us to hope, to believe that your love is worth it all and then some. It ultimately sets us up for the potential fall out I think and for that reason love is an ass.
I was at a love crossroads today. A friend needed my wit, my charm, my love her in dealing with the fallout of love and I couldn't bring myself to be what she needed. The pessimist in me had won and it should have felt like shit but it didn't. The "why" of this experience has been on my mind for the greater part of my day. A major part of me is angry because though we have never been lovers- I give her the "beesnees" kind of love. I love her like a lover and well this lover didn't. I want to scream but I can't. I want to be mad at her but I shouldn't. Love's ego cuts us like a double-edged sword sometimes and she was bleeding. And as much as I have seen the error of my ways and want to run in and save her but she must bleed for now and I have to understand that. The beautiful thing about love is I will know when to enter with the thread and the needle.

And so I am here again- angry at love and sometimes second guessing my own "beesnees" kind of love. Going through the past lovers of in my life- the beautiful memories and the painful fallout and I can't help but think that it is not love that is one's destiny but the eventual fallout of love. I write this blog while being madly and happily in love; hoping that this love will have no fallout. With all the ego love has there can't be enough space in a room for it and two people. It just can't! So is love going to keep swallowing us whole and spitting us out. A dat me waan know! If we can't save ourselves how are we going to save our friends?

We can't. We don't. We hope. Like love we thrive on hope that somehow, someday, someone will look back on the people you love and give them the "beesnees" they been searching for. I love all my friends like lovers. I think that's how I choose to believe in love. To fight the inevitable fall out because the thing is. You don't fall OUT of love with your friends. Lovers are not the end of you or the purpose of you. Though they certainly are an amazing bonus prize in this life. So for the lover I failed I'm sorry and for the lovers I can't do without. I love you. As for love and it's ego can't say I blame it love feels good.

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